Went for a few drinks (okay more than a few) with Stu and Ann Marie. Went to the Coasting Pilot, the Port and Neptune. Discovered a few truths about the people of Burry Port. Not ALL of them, the ones I know are fine but others can be assholes. Small town mindset again. It screws people up. It shapes an otherwise good soul into a bitter, narrow minded bigot.
Happy New F**king Year!!
Monday 3 August 2009
Wednesday 29th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Felt like a drink today but I managed to resist. The films I ordered arrived, so thats another bill to pay. I don't really like the music/film club im a member of. They're a con pushing onto you things you don't want. Im going to get out of the damned thing.
Felt like a drink today but I managed to resist. The films I ordered arrived, so thats another bill to pay. I don't really like the music/film club im a member of. They're a con pushing onto you things you don't want. Im going to get out of the damned thing.
Tuesday 28th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
The worst is over. Went to mums and won bucks playing bingo.
The worst is over. Went to mums and won bucks playing bingo.
Monday 27th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Listened to music. Sick all day and night. Really bad. Feeling utterly wretched. Thought about the things ive done to myself. Rabid self abuse. Im tearing my soul to tatters. My internal organs must be putrid, all mushed up. Thats what they feel like. Ive heard of hitting myself over the head but this is murder. Its the highs and lows of alcoholism and to a lesser degree pills. First I float then I crash into the trenches and creases of illness. This is truly a sick kingdom that I choose to inhabit. Quite fitting for the ghoul but very hard for my gentler side to take.
Listened to music. Sick all day and night. Really bad. Feeling utterly wretched. Thought about the things ive done to myself. Rabid self abuse. Im tearing my soul to tatters. My internal organs must be putrid, all mushed up. Thats what they feel like. Ive heard of hitting myself over the head but this is murder. Its the highs and lows of alcoholism and to a lesser degree pills. First I float then I crash into the trenches and creases of illness. This is truly a sick kingdom that I choose to inhabit. Quite fitting for the ghoul but very hard for my gentler side to take.
Sunday 26th December 1993
Payback time!! Ill, Ill and screwed up totally. Giving this shit up!! Too sick to write.
Saturday 25th December 1993
Christmas Day and I cannot remember f**k all. Only the alcohol. A fine household I live in *sarcasm*
Don't even remember opening any presents. My mother and gran are good people tho. They will get their deserved rewards in Heaven. Others will not. Amen....Oh and Merry Christmas!!
Don't even remember opening any presents. My mother and gran are good people tho. They will get their deserved rewards in Heaven. Others will not. Amen....Oh and Merry Christmas!!
Friday 24th December 1993
Christmas Eve the time of greed. A time when our default of hate turns on a sickly and very practiced good cheer. Don't believe it dear reader, its all a sham. A cruel, diseased sham at that.
Went to Mums on the back of the bike with Stu. Also went to Pontyates. Sat in Antz's house doing speed, Mogadons and drink. Well who wants to be around this planet on Christmas?? The festive spirit is a fine idea but we scabbed it over with poisoned good will. Tis a time when enemies will talk to you but none will forgive you so its pointless. There is an art to spite and deceit and humans have it mastered.
Went to Mums on the back of the bike with Stu. Also went to Pontyates. Sat in Antz's house doing speed, Mogadons and drink. Well who wants to be around this planet on Christmas?? The festive spirit is a fine idea but we scabbed it over with poisoned good will. Tis a time when enemies will talk to you but none will forgive you so its pointless. There is an art to spite and deceit and humans have it mastered.
Thursday 23rd December 1993
Drunk. Again. I know im going to suffer from this one!! But knowing the outcome never prevents the lifting of the bottle or glass. Its still a small price to pay for having wings whilst drunk mind. Oh and ive gone turbo horny. I want to f**k any woman I see haha!! Alcohol: it drowns the lust but never the seed ;)
Wednesday 22nd December 1993
Ive been drinking for days now. Who am I kidding?? Ive been getting drunk for weeks, months even. Bought everybody presents. Well its the thing at Christmas isn't it?? The fake jolly holiday trap we all get suckered into. Let's paint crooked smiles on our greedy faces and wish our best enemies the greatest. Lets all give to recieve and stuff ourselves with horrible tasting festive shit. How about we ignore the spirit of goodwill and concentrate on our selves, knowing that had we been around when the Romans nailed Christ to a cross we would have been right behind it and more than likely holding the nails. We are even more of the herder mentality now. Humans make me sick truly. Im drinking to numb myself from their pathetic ways. Wasters. Blind, egotistical wasters.
Sunday 19th December 1993
Saw Stu and Ann Marie. Chatted for a bit then got drunk. Howling drunk. I get the feeling people only call to say 'hi' because they feel obliged. It doesn't bother me. Sobriety bothers me. Ha ha. Ha. Ha ha. He he. Ha. Drunk.
Saturday 18th December 1993
Got myself totally drunk and wasted. No poetry arrived in my blunted brain so I tried to watch films but its no good. I simply CANNOT have idle entertainment during the day. I can't imagine what its like for people who watch television all day. Id go stark raving mad, yes more crazy than I am now!! Ive got to be working or working on getting blitzed. I can't just sit back. Its not me.
Friday 17th December 1993
Drank 4 cans of Guiness bitter. Today went like yesterday, f**king boring apart from writing some cool poetry. I leave my shackles behind in verse.
Got a Christmas card from Tina. Don't know why mind you. Ive only been a drunken idiot in my correspondence to her. I guess im deserving of some human 'touch' but as always from afar. Im not THAT deserving. Im a ghoul, (even at Christmas) and very proud of it.
Got a Christmas card from Tina. Don't know why mind you. Ive only been a drunken idiot in my correspondence to her. I guess im deserving of some human 'touch' but as always from afar. Im not THAT deserving. Im a ghoul, (even at Christmas) and very proud of it.
Friday 31 July 2009
Wednesday 15th December 1993
Only drank 1 can of Guiness bitter. Im not looking forward to Christmas at all. F**king families. If ever I have one of my own, they won't go through this!! Im too ill to care anyway. I need to crawl into my safe space and rest.
Tuesday 14th December 1993
Greetings from the realm of corpses. I am a dressed skeleton and shuffle like disease. Ill again today like yesterday. Stu and Ann Marie came to visit, I opened the bottle of brandy and drank to reach my preferred state. I feel like a blindman driving a car and wishing it would turn into a fireball. Although I admit im being overly dramatic here, im not feeling suicidal at all. No matter what ills and spites I inflict upon my shattered flesh and soul, I will never ever entertain thoughts of self destruction. Suicide for me is a grave sin and will never be an option.
Why did I buy this brandy?? I don't like brandy, I should have bought all gin instead. Ah but the different coloured bottles sure looked pretty on the table. So thats why I bought the brandy then. I was creating an alcoholic rainbow in the room. Hic!!
Why did I buy this brandy?? I don't like brandy, I should have bought all gin instead. Ah but the different coloured bottles sure looked pretty on the table. So thats why I bought the brandy then. I was creating an alcoholic rainbow in the room. Hic!!
Monday 13th December 1993
Feeling ill. Drank the bottle of gin, felt a little better!! Is this how I am to die?? A lonely drunk?? Im so young yet feel ive lived a hundred years. I get sick through the drinking but I also get well with it too. It takes me down to the depths of terrible trenches and also lifts me on padded wings unto bunches of angels. It shows me horror and at the same time gives me love. It strips my spirit, but grants me hope. It is my coffin and also my crib of lullabies. I love it much more than I hate it.
Drunk all day today, and in the evening until I passed out.
Drunk all day today, and in the evening until I passed out.
Sunday 12th December 1993
Drank the bottle of whiskey. So ive racked them up and now its time to smack 'em down!! Hold on tight readers, this ride could get very ugly pretty quick. I haven't bought any Christmas presents. OH LORD HELP!!!!
Actually its not about gifts, and I don't expect gifts. Im quite happy chugging on a bottle and mumbling carols to myself in the corner. I hate it when the festive season inflates everyone with false cheer. Paining fake smile across their mugs as they walk like mannequins into Santas blotto grotto.
People who under any other circumstance would avoid each other, now greet each other like long lost cousins. Its dire, and a true glimpse inside the soul of Man. We are a shallow, insincere lot as we stumble about the earth not knowing really what we're doing. And Christmas brings out the worst in us.
Actually its not about gifts, and I don't expect gifts. Im quite happy chugging on a bottle and mumbling carols to myself in the corner. I hate it when the festive season inflates everyone with false cheer. Paining fake smile across their mugs as they walk like mannequins into Santas blotto grotto.
People who under any other circumstance would avoid each other, now greet each other like long lost cousins. Its dire, and a true glimpse inside the soul of Man. We are a shallow, insincere lot as we stumble about the earth not knowing really what we're doing. And Christmas brings out the worst in us.
Saturday 11th December 1993
Drank the bottle of vodka. And so it begins, the engine of destruction revs its motor and lines its wheels at the starting line. The goal is intoxication, nay the goal is serenity but along the road it will veer into sticky thorns and filthy mud pools, blood will try to clog the radiator and blind the windscreen but onward and with ever increasing speed the toxic rollercoaster will sprint into toxic vines. All hail the wonderful giddy booze engine!!
I cannot go on much longer like this tho. Life is spinning out of my reach. Id give anything to have a family of my own to ground me but that is not to be. I am a drunkard, a pill popping poet who digs the crazy jazz of this bohemian, wreckless life. This is me folks, my history and actions along with my works will one day build my living. Thats a promise.
I cannot go on much longer like this tho. Life is spinning out of my reach. Id give anything to have a family of my own to ground me but that is not to be. I am a drunkard, a pill popping poet who digs the crazy jazz of this bohemian, wreckless life. This is me folks, my history and actions along with my works will one day build my living. Thats a promise.
Friday 10th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Went to th Co-op and bought a bottle of gin. Haven't had a drink since the few I had on Wednesday. Please Lord, send me the will to find a new life. I cannot take small town mentality anymore. Its very limited to new horizons and crushes the soul with its 'let us be content with our lot' attitudes.
I was shaped from a different stone. The clay and milky blood in my body have stardust in them. I was designed to be seen.
Went to th Co-op and bought a bottle of gin. Haven't had a drink since the few I had on Wednesday. Please Lord, send me the will to find a new life. I cannot take small town mentality anymore. Its very limited to new horizons and crushes the soul with its 'let us be content with our lot' attitudes.
I was shaped from a different stone. The clay and milky blood in my body have stardust in them. I was designed to be seen.
Thursday 9th December 1993
My father came home more was the pity. I enjoyed having the house to myself to do as I pleased. Ive been stocking up with spirits, bought 1 bottle of vodka, 1 bottle of brandy and a bottle of whiskey but im not going to drink them yet. First im going to collect a few more bottles and admire them for a short while. They're nice to look at as they simmer on the corner table just waiting to be broken into and letting the hounds of drunkeness free!! Talk about alcohol obssession :) Some enjoy works of art, others relax to the symphonies of Mozart, whereas I am moved by the magic of brewers like Gordon's gin and Jim Beam. Wizards all, medicine men. God bless.
Wednesday 8th December 1993
Drank a couple of pints of Guiness. Im still under the cloud of control but it has not clouded my views, I know im on the spine of the joker and being dealt a trick hand so I just ride along with it. Its not making a fool out of me. Ive looked it in the eye and seen the measure of the giant.
There were gales of 70mph plus tonight. Anything that weighed under half a ton flew away. It even ripped the outside pipe from the wall and sprayed water and crap all along the alley between Lorraine the neighbour and our house. Still its fathers house, he can deal with it when he gets back. He has access to more tools than I, he's got his precious church to borrow tools from.
There were gales of 70mph plus tonight. Anything that weighed under half a ton flew away. It even ripped the outside pipe from the wall and sprayed water and crap all along the alley between Lorraine the neighbour and our house. Still its fathers house, he can deal with it when he gets back. He has access to more tools than I, he's got his precious church to borrow tools from.
Tuesday 7th December 1993
Drank 4 cans of Guiness draught bitter. Thats excellent for me as these are not a strong beer and sticking to 4 for me is quite an achievement. Im suprised I didn't go back to the Co-op and fetch more booze. Cooked 36 sausages so that I can eat them at random. Cold sausage and mustard sandwiches are lush. One must never forget the mustard tho. Mustard has the ability to make even the most boring meal come alive. Mustard: Sauce of the Gods haha :)
Im proud of myself sticking to 4 cans today. I know this control won't last but its fun while it does last. The control is a trick by the disease of alcoholism into conning the alcoholic into believing they can drink again. But it doesn't con me. I KNOW the trick, and I KNOW that drinking a little leads to drinking too much. I understand the tricks even when they're being played on myself, the difference with me is I recognise all the motions therefore I just let it humour me. The trouble with tricks is eventually you come to the head trickster and thats ME.
Im proud of myself sticking to 4 cans today. I know this control won't last but its fun while it does last. The control is a trick by the disease of alcoholism into conning the alcoholic into believing they can drink again. But it doesn't con me. I KNOW the trick, and I KNOW that drinking a little leads to drinking too much. I understand the tricks even when they're being played on myself, the difference with me is I recognise all the motions therefore I just let it humour me. The trouble with tricks is eventually you come to the head trickster and thats ME.
Monday 6th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
My father is going to Dursley in Gloucestershire tomorrow so I will probably get a few cans of lager in. Maybe I do miss the sauce a bit. Or lots.
My father is going to Dursley in Gloucestershire tomorrow so I will probably get a few cans of lager in. Maybe I do miss the sauce a bit. Or lots.
Sunday 5th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Stu and myself laid a carpet in our grans house. A job well done I must say, and gran and mum thought so too. Not missing the booze a bit....
Stu and myself laid a carpet in our grans house. A job well done I must say, and gran and mum thought so too. Not missing the booze a bit....
Saturday 4th December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Chest and stomach still a liitle dodgy. I don't go to sleep until around 6am and I don't get up until 3.30pm which means I miss most of the day. Great. Im a night person anyway. I can be 'dead' to the waking world and whilst the world is 'dead' I can live. Not that ive been getting much sleep anyway. Ive had maybe around 5 hours sleep sine Wednesday. After a lengthy binge anxiety stalks the nerve endings like a fox stalking a chicken coop. And when I shut my eyes all sorts of weird and wonderful visions show up. The mechanics of withdrawal working themselves out of my brain. Frightening to close the eyes in the early stages of recovery. Its like standing alone in a great pitch black hall, waiting for ugly ghosts and strange demons to emerge.
The early withdrawals are a bitch, and not a very friendly or sympathetic one either. She carries a whip, and is not ungenorous in flogging those miscreants who have strayed off the sober path.
Chest and stomach still a liitle dodgy. I don't go to sleep until around 6am and I don't get up until 3.30pm which means I miss most of the day. Great. Im a night person anyway. I can be 'dead' to the waking world and whilst the world is 'dead' I can live. Not that ive been getting much sleep anyway. Ive had maybe around 5 hours sleep sine Wednesday. After a lengthy binge anxiety stalks the nerve endings like a fox stalking a chicken coop. And when I shut my eyes all sorts of weird and wonderful visions show up. The mechanics of withdrawal working themselves out of my brain. Frightening to close the eyes in the early stages of recovery. Its like standing alone in a great pitch black hall, waiting for ugly ghosts and strange demons to emerge.
The early withdrawals are a bitch, and not a very friendly or sympathetic one either. She carries a whip, and is not ungenorous in flogging those miscreants who have strayed off the sober path.
Thursday 2nd December 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Didn't eat all day. Too sick. My chest felt like it was hosting a thunderstorm inside it and I am beginning to hate the after effects of heavy drinking. Its cruel and im being nasty to myself. If I did the things I do to myself to other people Id be labelled a pariah, an evil piece of work. I really do put myself, body and soul, through hell. Almost beyond all point of human endurance. Should I choose to carry on living this way something is bound to break. One can only stretch a soul so far, one can only bloat the flesh so far until they both burst like fetid boils and stain the floors forever.
I must be careful dipping my toes into pools of addiction because whirlpools suck you in. And once you are caught in the eye of such ferocious waters it is nigh on impossible to return to the surface unscarred. Iron crusted waves leave permenant bruises. I learnt this early in my toxic career.
Didn't eat all day. Too sick. My chest felt like it was hosting a thunderstorm inside it and I am beginning to hate the after effects of heavy drinking. Its cruel and im being nasty to myself. If I did the things I do to myself to other people Id be labelled a pariah, an evil piece of work. I really do put myself, body and soul, through hell. Almost beyond all point of human endurance. Should I choose to carry on living this way something is bound to break. One can only stretch a soul so far, one can only bloat the flesh so far until they both burst like fetid boils and stain the floors forever.
I must be careful dipping my toes into pools of addiction because whirlpools suck you in. And once you are caught in the eye of such ferocious waters it is nigh on impossible to return to the surface unscarred. Iron crusted waves leave permenant bruises. I learnt this early in my toxic career.
Wednesday 1st December 1993
God knows what I did yesterday. I know I smoked 5 cigars. But thats about it.
Today I did mostly the same, got drunk and smoked 2 cigars. Drunk, drunk and memory loss. Im packing it in after today he says through a crooked, lop sided mouth :)
Today I did mostly the same, got drunk and smoked 2 cigars. Drunk, drunk and memory loss. Im packing it in after today he says through a crooked, lop sided mouth :)
Thursday 30 July 2009
Monday 29th November 1993
Doctor's Appointment 9.15am. Otherwise known as Pill Day :)
Drank all day, and worked on a new play and poetry. As ive pointed out, I DO NOT just sit around getting drunk and watching films. Im constantly hammering away at my typewriter and electronic notebook and working on my new literature. Did Dylan Thomas sit around drinking?? No he was a poet who worked on his craft/art, exactly like I am doing now. He was a drinking poet, I am a drinking poet. I would go insane just sitting around all day doing nothing but drink. I have to work on my poetry. And yes it IS that good.
Went to the Coasting Pilot in the evening. Its an ok little pub, but I think it has delusions of grandeur. Ideas above its station. The boozer that thinks its a VIP club. It isn't. Its just a boozer.
Drank all day, and worked on a new play and poetry. As ive pointed out, I DO NOT just sit around getting drunk and watching films. Im constantly hammering away at my typewriter and electronic notebook and working on my new literature. Did Dylan Thomas sit around drinking?? No he was a poet who worked on his craft/art, exactly like I am doing now. He was a drinking poet, I am a drinking poet. I would go insane just sitting around all day doing nothing but drink. I have to work on my poetry. And yes it IS that good.
Went to the Coasting Pilot in the evening. Its an ok little pub, but I think it has delusions of grandeur. Ideas above its station. The boozer that thinks its a VIP club. It isn't. Its just a boozer.
Sunday 28th November 1993
Drank a litre of bacardi and smoked 3 cigarettes. Guess which upset me the most?? Thats right dear reader, the cancer sticks.
Stu and Ann Marie came to Burry Port. Visited gran. I wasn't too messed up visiting gran.
Went to the Moonraker shytehole in the evening with Ted, real name Rich but we do that here in Wales. Why oh why do I keep going to the Asspitraker???? Its bloody a aweful place filled with social cripples and idiots with less personality than a lettuce. Lets be honest, I go because in my state there's nowhere else to go. And that is a sad reflection to how terrible a place the Moonraker is.
Stu and Ann Marie came to Burry Port. Visited gran. I wasn't too messed up visiting gran.
Went to the Moonraker shytehole in the evening with Ted, real name Rich but we do that here in Wales. Why oh why do I keep going to the Asspitraker???? Its bloody a aweful place filled with social cripples and idiots with less personality than a lettuce. Lets be honest, I go because in my state there's nowhere else to go. And that is a sad reflection to how terrible a place the Moonraker is.
Saturday 27th November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Don't know what to get anyone for Christmas. Im going to start to fill the drinks cabinet for the festive season. Got to get the priorities sorted out before the boring things like gifts and taking time out for reflection. Its always been a greedy time of year, not just for me but for most people. Does anyone really pay attention to the spiritual side of Christmas anymore?? Do they look beyond the gift wrapping paper and baubels and try to discover the real meaning of the event?? Hardly likely, most people just want to get fat on turkey, drunk on port, get even more plump on the turkey leftovers and trifle then fall comatose to an assault of Christmas specials on television.
The Christmas spirit is dead. Family is dead. Gratitude is dead. Charity is dead. And Love is very nearly dead.
Zero Alcohol.
Don't know what to get anyone for Christmas. Im going to start to fill the drinks cabinet for the festive season. Got to get the priorities sorted out before the boring things like gifts and taking time out for reflection. Its always been a greedy time of year, not just for me but for most people. Does anyone really pay attention to the spiritual side of Christmas anymore?? Do they look beyond the gift wrapping paper and baubels and try to discover the real meaning of the event?? Hardly likely, most people just want to get fat on turkey, drunk on port, get even more plump on the turkey leftovers and trifle then fall comatose to an assault of Christmas specials on television.
The Christmas spirit is dead. Family is dead. Gratitude is dead. Charity is dead. And Love is very nearly dead.
Zero Alcohol.
Friday 26th November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
F**k ive been a whole week without a drop of booze!!!! I never thought id hear myself saying this but its not that bad being sober.
Without drink im a paranoid, reclusive poet and with it im a loud mouthed fool. I think I shall do without it. Its blown my sails into dangerous waters, and now is the time to moor in more sedate, shallow water.
One where the sharks will not sniff my addictive blood out and lure me to swim with them again.
F**k ive been a whole week without a drop of booze!!!! I never thought id hear myself saying this but its not that bad being sober.
Without drink im a paranoid, reclusive poet and with it im a loud mouthed fool. I think I shall do without it. Its blown my sails into dangerous waters, and now is the time to moor in more sedate, shallow water.
One where the sharks will not sniff my addictive blood out and lure me to swim with them again.
Tuesday 23rd November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
This is a dull Life. Something has got to happen soon. Where have all the happy times gone? The times with Stu, Pogo, Jase, Tommy, Nicky, Lee, Shane, Andrew, Lindsay, Angela, Sian etc. We had some great times, drinking down the beach, beach parties, days in Jases house listening to metal and getting loaded. Going to gigs, getting loaded in my house, nicking kegs, having all nighters in my house. The good times never ended a few years ago, or they seemed to never end and sadly now they have. Getting high in Furnace Fields and up the mountains was fantastic too. Camping out in homemade tents and dens.
Id give anything to get them back but time moves on relentless, and has no sentiment for good times.
This is a dull Life. Something has got to happen soon. Where have all the happy times gone? The times with Stu, Pogo, Jase, Tommy, Nicky, Lee, Shane, Andrew, Lindsay, Angela, Sian etc. We had some great times, drinking down the beach, beach parties, days in Jases house listening to metal and getting loaded. Going to gigs, getting loaded in my house, nicking kegs, having all nighters in my house. The good times never ended a few years ago, or they seemed to never end and sadly now they have. Getting high in Furnace Fields and up the mountains was fantastic too. Camping out in homemade tents and dens.
Id give anything to get them back but time moves on relentless, and has no sentiment for good times.
Saturday 20th November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I thought I was going to snuff it today. It is Killer. My gut felt entierly rotted and my chest was tight as hell. However tight hell is. Im doing untold damage to my young body, damage that sometimes slips into my spirit and not the drinking kind either.
Im going to try and give it up until Christmas. Wish me luck dear reader.
I thought I was going to snuff it today. It is Killer. My gut felt entierly rotted and my chest was tight as hell. However tight hell is. Im doing untold damage to my young body, damage that sometimes slips into my spirit and not the drinking kind either.
Im going to try and give it up until Christmas. Wish me luck dear reader.
Friday 19th November 1993
What a day!! Yes another what a day!! Pish knows what happened, its a kind of blur (and blurs CAN be kind). I know I smoked again :( and as Ive said, I despise smoking, it is a mark of Cain more terrible to me than any of my other vices. I also remember walking down to Tan Y Bryn to buy vodka in Gummer's shop but the rest of the day and night is awash under a blanket of booze and pills. Why did I go to Gummer's shop for vodka? The Co-op is only down the road. And Im not the type who gets ashamed from going to the same place to buy booze. My attitude is 'serve me the damned sauce madam, I care little to nothing your thoughts toward me!!'
Perhaps I thought I could do with the exercise??
Perhaps I thought I could do with the exercise??
Wednesday 17th November 1993
This is a f**king blur. I drove my bike halfway home but on Heol Elizabeth I had a speed wobble from not being used to road racing bikes and I stuttered into the kerb opposite auntie Nancy's house. Mad!! I had to get pissed then to calm my nerves. Any excuse, altho I don't need an excuse to drink. Im quite open and honest in the fact that I like to get messed up drunk. Those who say they need an excuse to have a drink are cowards who are ashamed at their habits. I am neither coward nor ashamed so cheers!! Drink and getting blotto to us all xx
Wednesday 29 July 2009
Tuesday 16th November 1993
Came back home to Burry Port. Stu brought my motorbike downbut had to leave it in our grans because I was in such a state. Im terrible when left to my own devices. I let too many devils wander along my spine and that leads to the mad fairies pulling my strings and leading me to the trough of alcohol and pills. Don't worry, im not seeing fairies, Im using metaphors and poetical descriptions for everything. It kind of romantices the havoc and ruin but something has to soften the blow of addiction.
Soon i'll be so bloated i'll be able to write these journals with my own blood. Or bile. Whichever looks nice on paper.
Soon i'll be so bloated i'll be able to write these journals with my own blood. Or bile. Whichever looks nice on paper.
Monday 15th November 1993
Ann Marie's birthday.
Of course I drank alcohol. I imbibed like a fish who is a judge and best friends with a newt. Well those are the usual critters described as being drinkers. Went for a meal in the Waun Wyllt. Ive said it before, its a cool place. Nice and peaceful, and so out of the way.
It has beer bottles cemented into old stone work, looks great.
Of course I drank alcohol. I imbibed like a fish who is a judge and best friends with a newt. Well those are the usual critters described as being drinkers. Went for a meal in the Waun Wyllt. Ive said it before, its a cool place. Nice and peaceful, and so out of the way.
It has beer bottles cemented into old stone work, looks great.
Sunday 14th November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
F**k it. Ive decided that drink is the cause of my ill health. (No shit Sherlock!?) I won't allow it to kill me. I could have been in Ireland yesterday enjoying, albeit pissed. But still, it would have different.
Went to see our father with Stu and Ann Marie. I think im coming down with the flu thats hitting the blasted country. F**k!!!!
F**k it. Ive decided that drink is the cause of my ill health. (No shit Sherlock!?) I won't allow it to kill me. I could have been in Ireland yesterday enjoying, albeit pissed. But still, it would have different.
Went to see our father with Stu and Ann Marie. I think im coming down with the flu thats hitting the blasted country. F**k!!!!
Thursday 11th November 1993
Stopped smoking damn cigars!! My chest feels tight as a rubber band. I wont be healthy enough to go to Ireland on Saturday. A few friends and myself had a good drunken time planned over there but ive done too much damage to myself, mentally and physically, to even try going.
Got drunk. Of course when the daggers of toxicity rain onto my skull im fine and dandy to be travelling anywhere. But when the raw bands of sobriety finally sting my head and stomach, they hold me trapped and brought back to earth.
Got drunk. Of course when the daggers of toxicity rain onto my skull im fine and dandy to be travelling anywhere. But when the raw bands of sobriety finally sting my head and stomach, they hold me trapped and brought back to earth.
Tuesday 28 July 2009
Monday 8th November 1993
F**k I smoked 5 more cigars. I keep inhaling the smoke too which you shouldn't do with cigars. They're very heavy. Bought a black denim jacket today which is very nice. Slugged a bottle of vodka too. Equally as enjoyable xx
Sunday 7th November 1993
Drank yesterday. Drinking lubricates the mind and soul. It hones survival instincts. AA have it wrong.
What a day today too!! Smoked 5 cigars. Went to Ponthenri with Stu on the bike. Went to Pontyates, smoked some spliffs and bought £25 worth of speed (amphetamine) and did it all in the evening. On top of the pop. I do enjoy a speedy but of whiz!!
What a day today too!! Smoked 5 cigars. Went to Ponthenri with Stu on the bike. Went to Pontyates, smoked some spliffs and bought £25 worth of speed (amphetamine) and did it all in the evening. On top of the pop. I do enjoy a speedy but of whiz!!
Friday 5th November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Don't really know what to do for Christmas. Shall I stay with mum? Or shall I go home? I think i'll go home. Its nice living under your mothers wing but also very trying. You see, a mother loves you no matter what, and sometimes its better for her not witnessing everything her child does. Especially if its killing him.
Watched the film version of Stephen King's Tommyknockers. Not as cool as the book but whats new? Films rarely capture the world of books.
I think I will drink soon. The calamity stirs. The ghoul has opened one eye....
Don't really know what to do for Christmas. Shall I stay with mum? Or shall I go home? I think i'll go home. Its nice living under your mothers wing but also very trying. You see, a mother loves you no matter what, and sometimes its better for her not witnessing everything her child does. Especially if its killing him.
Watched the film version of Stephen King's Tommyknockers. Not as cool as the book but whats new? Films rarely capture the world of books.
I think I will drink soon. The calamity stirs. The ghoul has opened one eye....
Tuesday 2nd November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Im keeping a collection of Mad Dog 20/20 wine. I like looking at the fruity colours, sitting in the cold white cuboard, bringing life out of the starched white. Its like a fist of adventure punching through a sterile ward of peace. And soon it will breathe Life into me again. The sober flamingoes will fall to the wolf.
Slept like a dreamy log tonight.
Im keeping a collection of Mad Dog 20/20 wine. I like looking at the fruity colours, sitting in the cold white cuboard, bringing life out of the starched white. Its like a fist of adventure punching through a sterile ward of peace. And soon it will breathe Life into me again. The sober flamingoes will fall to the wolf.
Slept like a dreamy log tonight.
Monday 1st November 1993
Zero Alcohol.
New month, clean slate?? Come on dear readers, you don't really believe that do you? You should know me by now. I can never truly be sober, the ghoul in me won't allow it. It wants to see me die a slow death. There's a side to me who feels at home in harms way. Its not the full story but its definately in a few chapters.
Had a hell of a time getting to sleep.. I read for four hours straight.
New month, clean slate?? Come on dear readers, you don't really believe that do you? You should know me by now. I can never truly be sober, the ghoul in me won't allow it. It wants to see me die a slow death. There's a side to me who feels at home in harms way. Its not the full story but its definately in a few chapters.
Had a hell of a time getting to sleep.. I read for four hours straight.
Sunday 31st October 1993
Went to Burry Port with Stu and Ann Marie. Visited our father. Its almost uncomfortable being around him. He has no real interest in anything, and I certainly have no interest in what he says or believes.
Along with visiting Burry, I also got drunk. Im getting bored reporting this daily bulletin now.
Along with visiting Burry, I also got drunk. Im getting bored reporting this daily bulletin now.
Friday 29th October 1993
Hospital Appointment 3pm.
Did not go, got f**ked up instead. My diet is strict. I need some pain in my life to keep my interest alive and my adrenaline spiked. Everyone should have a daily dose of pain and fear in their lives to let them know they are living. Its not healthy living in a comfort zone with kid gloves on all the time because it makes one believe we are indestructable and even worse, immortal. If we live amongst flowers and summer wine we forget there are shadows and monsters who are more than willing to prove that a fantasy world does not, cannot exist.
Be glad of suffering in the world as it reminds us we are human, and very prone to mistakes. Be happy with little jolts of pain, for they show you that hearts can be broken. Be glad for loss because they prove we are made of flesh and bone. Celebrate anger and hurt for they are our guides to awareness.
Jeez for a drunken poet im quite the philosopher. Hic!!
Did not go, got f**ked up instead. My diet is strict. I need some pain in my life to keep my interest alive and my adrenaline spiked. Everyone should have a daily dose of pain and fear in their lives to let them know they are living. Its not healthy living in a comfort zone with kid gloves on all the time because it makes one believe we are indestructable and even worse, immortal. If we live amongst flowers and summer wine we forget there are shadows and monsters who are more than willing to prove that a fantasy world does not, cannot exist.
Be glad of suffering in the world as it reminds us we are human, and very prone to mistakes. Be happy with little jolts of pain, for they show you that hearts can be broken. Be glad for loss because they prove we are made of flesh and bone. Celebrate anger and hurt for they are our guides to awareness.
Jeez for a drunken poet im quite the philosopher. Hic!!
Thursday 28th October 1993
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
What a fabulous day and night, loafing (after writing)on a minted cloud of tranquility. Its the chemically serene Life for this poet.
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium. Drunk & Valium.
What a fabulous day and night, loafing (after writing)on a minted cloud of tranquility. Its the chemically serene Life for this poet.
Wednesday 27th October 1993
Im not going to the hospital for toe surgery. Screw them, the daft gits. Its only a toenail. Ok it hurts like hell but still, its ONLY a friggin' ingrown nail. I got pulled over by the cops too, no tax on bike. But its nothing. Little lecture is all.
Drinking and popping valiums. Nice day!!
Drinking and popping valiums. Nice day!!
Monday 27 July 2009
Monday 25th October 1993
Got 'Sneakers' out again. Drank a bottle of bacardi and took more than enough pills!! I f**king love valiums. Its the Nowhere Child. Haven't been to Burry Port for ages. F**k it, its a waste of time. Lots of f**ks in this entry. F**k it.
Friday 22nd October 1993
Don't remember much today. Boring unproductive day. Wish I had tax. Drunk on vodka, buzzed on valium and temazepam. I crawl on my knees because im trying to be invisible hehe.
Thursday 21st October 1993
Doctors Appointment 5.30pm.
F**k I have to go to hospital to get my ingrown toenail cut out. Lodah phoned the hospital while I was there and said it was for 'minor surgery'. Might be minor to her but its a big deal to me.
Drank a bottle of vodka and valiums. Well I had a months prescription so it was an invite to party. What can I say?? I love chalk n' booze :)
Plus this damned toe is painful and I want peace. I want to be numb. I enjoy being numb.
F**k I have to go to hospital to get my ingrown toenail cut out. Lodah phoned the hospital while I was there and said it was for 'minor surgery'. Might be minor to her but its a big deal to me.
Drank a bottle of vodka and valiums. Well I had a months prescription so it was an invite to party. What can I say?? I love chalk n' booze :)
Plus this damned toe is painful and I want peace. I want to be numb. I enjoy being numb.
Wednesday 20th October 1993
Drank a bottle or two of Mad Dog 20/20, bottle of cider, 2 cans of beer and a few shots of vodka. Got hold of Point Break on video too!! Brilliant film, ive watched it loads already by renting it.
Im dreading what Doc Lodah will have to say about my toe. I think it will have to be cut out. F**k!!!!!! I'll do my own surgery. Ive got plenty of anaesthetics. Just need the double vision to clear :)
Im dreading what Doc Lodah will have to say about my toe. I think it will have to be cut out. F**k!!!!!! I'll do my own surgery. Ive got plenty of anaesthetics. Just need the double vision to clear :)
Monday 18th October 1993
Drank a litre of vodka. Im going to stop drinking spirits soon. Says the ghoul with a thirst like a straw. Or a barrel. F**k it, BOTH!! Haha!! Still haven't taxed my bike. When you wallow in lakes of fire water, a little thing like getting vehicle tax is way down on the list of priorities. It feels good just looking at my motorbike anyway. Actually driving it often never occurred to me.
Sunday 17th October 1993
Mother went to Makro, so Stu, Ann Marie and myself cooked our own food. It took about 2 hours. I then snorted a few lines of speed and we all went to Burry Port. First time id seen my father in God knows how long!! He's such a cold person, and always thinking himself to be right. He's a mess of bad feelings. I pity him at times.
Saturday 16th October 1993
Its MTV's metal weekend so I'll try to keep reasonable to tape the good stuff. But alcohol isn't a reasonable beast. I f**king missed Pearl Jam!! I fell asleep after my usual recipe of booze and tranquilisers.
Thursday 14th October 1993
Polished my bike, which ive gone from calling her 'Catherine' to baptising her 'Almaz' after listening to Randy Crawford all day. Drank a litre of vodka and dropped downers. I love pills in any form. I even crush them up and dissolve them in warm water to inject them. I adore catastrophe and devil-may-care attitudes.
It was my fathers birthday yesterday, still not seen him. Can't be assed and besides, it interupts my boozing.
It was my fathers birthday yesterday, still not seen him. Can't be assed and besides, it interupts my boozing.
Monday 11th October 1993
I have an ingrown toenail which won't f**k off. When im drunk enough I shall cut it out myself. Its so tender tho.
Started drinking at roughly 2.36am and by 3.41am Id drank half a bottle of rum. Fell asleep. Came around and drank a full bottle of vodka.
Started drinking at roughly 2.36am and by 3.41am Id drank half a bottle of rum. Fell asleep. Came around and drank a full bottle of vodka.
Saturday 9th October 1993
Woke up (came around) and was sick. I know that Ive said this many times, but I really want to quit. Or do I?? I still got drunk regardless. Its an insane thing to carry on ruining oneself. And im not following or copying other writers/actors either. Its in my nature, and im just one more of them. A writer and heavy drinker. Im happy with that. At least I know my place.
Friday 24 July 2009
Thursday 7th October 1993
Mum had another of her toy parties whilst I got drunk outta my skull.Don't know what happened, or went on but I don't think it was very pleasant. It never is when the thirst for beer is greater than the energy around. Off I wander into a nightmare land of dizzy clouds, where the falls are sharp as razors. And the vultures are not just the skinny feathered kind, looking out for your bloated corpse but the leathery reptile kind, out to strike a pound coin or good deed from your gentle person.
This is a rough ride into the wilderness, and there's not a whole lot of cheer and good health in the berries along the way.
This is a rough ride into the wilderness, and there's not a whole lot of cheer and good health in the berries along the way.
Wednesday 6th October 1993
Pissed down all day. Thats ok, I do my own fair share of pi$$ing everything onto my shattered skeleton. Im numb to reality, but bathing in serenity. I see the real world real fine and thats whats got me drinking. Others drink because they have no spine, or they want a better, more exciting ego, but I drink because my eyes are wide open and my soul feels every bump of the road.
The girl in Spar has got to be more talkative before I can make my move. I send all the 'interested' signals, smiles, eye contact, but she has to respond clearer. Or perhaps she knows what I am. She serves me with booze often enough.
Got blotto. No news is good news. Hic!!
The girl in Spar has got to be more talkative before I can make my move. I send all the 'interested' signals, smiles, eye contact, but she has to respond clearer. Or perhaps she knows what I am. She serves me with booze often enough.
Got blotto. No news is good news. Hic!!
Thursday 23 July 2009
Monday 4th October 1993
Changed the needle on 'Catherine' (as ive Christened my bike) today. And drank a whole litre of vodka like the drunk f**k that I am. Drunk as a drunk f**k!! Depressing day, thank God for alcohol. Sometimes (or always) I hate this world, for I know there to another somewhere. A better world filled with berries and bloated grass to rest in and be quenched.
Friday 1st October 1993
Still raining. It always does, in every way. Clouds hanging over sobriety and peace of mind. Storms raiding the happy times and making them sick. Rain is beautiful but the wet makes everything heavy.
Went to M&P's to change my lid. Then went to Ponthenri to help Stu with his bike. Rob did most of the fixing tho as they were his tools. Nobody messes with another guys tools.
Got blitzed slowly throughout the day. Hey just because im travelling doesn't mean im driving. The only thing I am driving is my carcass straight to hell!!
Even more rat assed blitzed at night. A doozy floozy woozy sort of deal :)
Went to M&P's to change my lid. Then went to Ponthenri to help Stu with his bike. Rob did most of the fixing tho as they were his tools. Nobody messes with another guys tools.
Got blitzed slowly throughout the day. Hey just because im travelling doesn't mean im driving. The only thing I am driving is my carcass straight to hell!!
Even more rat assed blitzed at night. A doozy floozy woozy sort of deal :)
Wednesday 22 July 2009
Thursday 30th September 1993
Bought a helmet today. One problem, its too small!! Stu also got a bike today, an RD LC 350cc. Meaning it has a lot of wellington boot. Id kill myself on that cc, and im already killing myself with alcohol so no reason adding a bigger engine to the mix. Booze and pills are potent enough.
Why does it always rain here? Im not a sunshine fan but its always raining.
Why does it always rain here? Im not a sunshine fan but its always raining.
Tuesday 28th September 1993
Got my bike today. Can't ride it yet tho, I haven't got a f**king helmet.Still I can always just look at her. I must be going nuts :)
Thought about the girl in Spar. Giving her a chewing gum is one thing. Asking her to dinner is another mountain altogether. Im not in a fit state for relationships anyway!! Im an almost perma-drunk with both fists in the pill jar and both feet raving into oblivion. Hardly stable dating material. Sure I look good but im rotting on the inside.
Thought about the girl in Spar. Giving her a chewing gum is one thing. Asking her to dinner is another mountain altogether. Im not in a fit state for relationships anyway!! Im an almost perma-drunk with both fists in the pill jar and both feet raving into oblivion. Hardly stable dating material. Sure I look good but im rotting on the inside.
Tuesday 21 July 2009
Monday 27th September 1993
Doctors Appointment. Otherwise known as Pill Day.
The doc told me Id look like Andre Agassi if I lost some weight. Today I actually went into Spar and made a first move on the girl that works there. Well I gave her a chewing gum haha!! She's my type tho, I can tell. She's quiet and reserved, as am I (at times).
Got drunk and buzzed on pills.
The doc told me Id look like Andre Agassi if I lost some weight. Today I actually went into Spar and made a first move on the girl that works there. Well I gave her a chewing gum haha!! She's my type tho, I can tell. She's quiet and reserved, as am I (at times).
Got drunk and buzzed on pills.
Sunday 26th September 1993
Walked to Burry Port with Stu and Ann Marie. Went through the hills and fields via Carmel chapel way. Where we pick magic mushies. Haven't been to Burry Port in a while. Went to see our father. He's always 'father' to us, not dad or anything. Its a very cold family on my fathers side. They preach Christian goodness but never actually practice it. That would be too hard.
I have started to eat meat again. Chicken drumsticks broke me in mam's house. (Our gran). I was being a hypocrite because I wear leather anyway. In fact nobody can claim to not ever using products that don't affect animals in some way or other.
I have started to eat meat again. Chicken drumsticks broke me in mam's house. (Our gran). I was being a hypocrite because I wear leather anyway. In fact nobody can claim to not ever using products that don't affect animals in some way or other.
Saturday 25th September 1993
Stu brought the RG (my new bike) up to mums. Went for a burn on it through the lanes. Its a 125cc with a micron. You can almost taste the power for such a machine. Its definately an eager beaver, and nipping through the lanes felt good. Im usually a scrambler type but this isn't bad as far as road bikes go. And what with it having official Durex colours, it has to be the safest bike on the road :)
Monday 20 July 2009
Thursday 23rd September 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Im going to be more confident from now on. Love me my schizophrenic. My Angel's Tear cocktail is brewing nicely. What ive decided to do is instead of brewing homebrew, im just buying alcohol (super strength lagers, spirits and cider) and throwing them in the barrel together. I know Ive said I hate mixing drinks but think of the strength of this brew!! I reckon by the time its ready it will be around 100% vol, ha ha!! Its going to taste like crap mind but I never did drink because it tasted good.
Im going to be more confident from now on. Love me my schizophrenic. My Angel's Tear cocktail is brewing nicely. What ive decided to do is instead of brewing homebrew, im just buying alcohol (super strength lagers, spirits and cider) and throwing them in the barrel together. I know Ive said I hate mixing drinks but think of the strength of this brew!! I reckon by the time its ready it will be around 100% vol, ha ha!! Its going to taste like crap mind but I never did drink because it tasted good.
Monday 20th September 1993
Yesterday I drank bacardi all day. Bottles of the stuff. Today I started the day off with cider and sleeping pills. This is to wake up!?? Or to feel normal anyway. I can still taste bacardi. I hate that stuff, to me its the sort of drink which is made for mixing and I HATE mixing spirits. They ought to be drunk neat only. Of course the type of people who enjoy vodka & coke are not the kind of people who understand the acceptable manners of drinking alcohol. Fancy putting coke in voka?? Or whiskey?? Or any spirit. Its like pissing in a Moet. Or drawing a goatee on the Mona Lisa.
Friday 17 July 2009
Saturday 18th September 1993
Came down off my high with large doses of sleeping pills. Its all good if you know the tricks of the game. I needed them too. Ive also collapsed a f**king vein. Too much needle attraction. The lure of the gun. Syringes are known as 'guns' on the street. Funny how everything finds a better sounding nickname on the streets. Everything gets a new identity including people, and we lose ourselves in this world with a different language, a different currency, that suited hobos will never experience.
They live in sober cocoons. We of the kerb, we wild princes, taste it all. From morning dew to the foam of waves, crashing on sunny beaches. We find intoxication in most things. There's an art to it. Once you find your curious soul, the cravings of the deep will reveal themselves. Just widen the horizon beyond all sensible limits. We poets ought to charge for this mystic information.
They live in sober cocoons. We of the kerb, we wild princes, taste it all. From morning dew to the foam of waves, crashing on sunny beaches. We find intoxication in most things. There's an art to it. Once you find your curious soul, the cravings of the deep will reveal themselves. Just widen the horizon beyond all sensible limits. We poets ought to charge for this mystic information.
Friday 17th September 1993
Took speed AND dropped magic mushrooms. Talk about a dreamy, spacey time!! Eyes were like giant blacked out saucers, turning everything they landed on into operatic caricatures, dancing in my mildewing brain. Brilliant trip!! The house looked ten times bigger. I was sitting 4ft from the hearth fire and it seemed to swallow me. It felf huge, I could have sworn I was in a stately home. The rug was a marshmallow, sailing me into different levels of euphoria. I was utterly spaced out. Felt amazing. This is why I do drugs. I like to delve into other textures of my mind. I like turning the eagle into a swan sometimes. Pages in my head lit up like velvet chapters.
Wednesday 15th September 1993
Wrote poems and drank. I got given some magic mushrooms but not doing them yet. Too drunk to enjoy the trip. Stu told me my bike should be ready soon. Ive found one at last!! A RG 125 in official Durex green & white colours. Its an amazing bike. Ive had a few burns on it already along the Pembrey hills and through Pinged lanes, and its very nippy. I don't usually go for road racing bikes but I loved it as soon as I saw it.
And I won't ever drive it under the ifluence like some loons.
And I won't ever drive it under the ifluence like some loons.
Sunday 12th September 1993
Mum held a toy party. Relatives came around. I spilt 2 litres of beer on the bed!! It was funny actually. Id fallen asleep with an open 2 litre bottle the previous night, and upon coming around (I never wake up), I found it was all over the bed. But instead of being sensible and drying the one mattress, I tried to hide it from mum and swapped the wet mattress for the spare dry one in the next bed. (There's 2 single beds in my room). Big mistake, as mum spots all, so we ended up drying 2 beds not one. I panicked at first as mum as a temper equal to mine, very explosive and volatile but it was ok. We had a good laugh about it in fact.
Drunk again. Good toy party.
Drunk again. Good toy party.
Wednesday 8th September 1993
Hit of speed in the morning. Coffee's no good. Started drinking homebrew at 2.30pm, pretty late in the day for me. Ive drunk it all nearly, the full 30 pints!! Then drank a bottle of vodka in the evening. My stomach feels queer. Perhaps the homebrew wasn't fermentated enough? Or more likely, mixing it with vodka wasn't such a great idea afterall. Go figure.
Tuesday 7th September 1993
Started drinking my homebrew!! I knew I couldn't wait until it was fully fermented. Its not bad either, but not strong enough i'll bet. Homebrews never are unless you throw the rules out the window and do your own recipe. Exactly the same could be said of life too.
Injected more speed too. What a hassle it is when you're doing it in mums house. Everything went like a tornado. Even before the silky hit of amphetamine soothed my curdled veins.
Injected more speed too. What a hassle it is when you're doing it in mums house. Everything went like a tornado. Even before the silky hit of amphetamine soothed my curdled veins.
Sunday 5th September 1993
Stu woke me up by throwing chippings at the window. He had driven up from Ponthenri on his bike. Bought some speed (amphetamine) and got blasted at night. I enjoy the bubble of amphetamine. Especially when it reaches its blissful peak. I like the taste of the burn too. Wrapped in paper 'bombs' or injecting it, both are good. Snorting isn't much fun. Not as decadent as hitting a vein. Or as death defying. If you're going to abuse yourself with booze and chemicals then don't screw around with petty spliffs and sweet flavoured booze. Bomb to the dizzy edge like a rabid weasel on the trail of hungry ghosts.
Speed is fantastic, a milky shot lifting one to careless clouds. Weight drops off with its use too. Unfortunately cigarette consumption goes through the roof, along with ones pupils ha ha!!
Speed is fantastic, a milky shot lifting one to careless clouds. Weight drops off with its use too. Unfortunately cigarette consumption goes through the roof, along with ones pupils ha ha!!
Saturday 4th September 1993
Woke at 11am, father was out so he didn't see me. Phoned mum to take me back to her house. Can't be fussed with his petty comments today, indeed any day. He thinks he's right in everything he says. And the truth is (not that he'd recognise truth), he's quite wrong in many things. One day he'll know his mistakes.
Got drunk in mums house. Another thing regarding father. He thinks me getting drunk here is bad, when he drinks in pubs himself. Church goers seem to spend a lot of their time pointing at others while ignoring their own habits. Worms all.
Got drunk in mums house. Another thing regarding father. He thinks me getting drunk here is bad, when he drinks in pubs himself. Church goers seem to spend a lot of their time pointing at others while ignoring their own habits. Worms all.
Friday 3rd September 1993
Carried on drinking from yesterday. Ive had some sleep, not enough but enough to keep me going in the trenches of bile. All day drinking. Keeps me from thinking. But thats bullshit, im constantly thinking of new poetry ideas. Alcohol & poetry are both fine substitutes to life.
Went to the Moon(cess pit)Raker at night. Why and how are the two things i'll never understand. Nobody cool or successful goes there. Its a place for small fish in a smaller pond. A shyte filled pond at that. I see old school runts there sometimes. The pieces of spew I went to school with, and they're full of it. Cretins in school, and even bigger mullet brains now. Not everyone of course. Genuine school friends know who they are. As do the pathetic specimens who annoyed me. I wish cancer on those, and im not kidding. Ive often wondered why I didn't fight in school. I know the answer now. I would have killed them. Easily. So I let the assholes be assholes, knowing I could have swatted them with ease. Still I used their mothers often enough in sordid thoughts so we're straight.
3am walked to Burry Port.
Went to the Moon(cess pit)Raker at night. Why and how are the two things i'll never understand. Nobody cool or successful goes there. Its a place for small fish in a smaller pond. A shyte filled pond at that. I see old school runts there sometimes. The pieces of spew I went to school with, and they're full of it. Cretins in school, and even bigger mullet brains now. Not everyone of course. Genuine school friends know who they are. As do the pathetic specimens who annoyed me. I wish cancer on those, and im not kidding. Ive often wondered why I didn't fight in school. I know the answer now. I would have killed them. Easily. So I let the assholes be assholes, knowing I could have swatted them with ease. Still I used their mothers often enough in sordid thoughts so we're straight.
3am walked to Burry Port.
Wednesday 1st September 1993
Back in mums house. I seem to be dividing my time between the kindness of mother, and the spite and coldness of father. He thinks himself Christian but if thats a Christian then Heaven must be a vile place. My father has a cruel heart. He likes to give outsiders the impression he's a family man but they're fooled to easily. He's never been a good father.
Drank a few shots of whiskey and took valium. Got some really cool poetry written today. Have 300 smackeroonies saved too.
Drank a few shots of whiskey and took valium. Got some really cool poetry written today. Have 300 smackeroonies saved too.
Monday 30th August 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Well, bank holiday is here, everyone's f**ked off somewhere and im here on my Jack Jones (on my own) as usual. Do I frighten everyone? Or bore them? Am I not enough 'adult' for them to consider inviting me out? Too many uncomfortable questions methinks. Im not that bothered, as myself am not on they're level. 'Normal' people talk about normal things like weather and neighbours, but poets like to roll our tongues over dying and the art of insanity. Talking of careers or vehicles to me is like putting freckles on a silk veil.
Thats the trouble with smalltowns. Too many sparrows and not enough eagles.
Well, bank holiday is here, everyone's f**ked off somewhere and im here on my Jack Jones (on my own) as usual. Do I frighten everyone? Or bore them? Am I not enough 'adult' for them to consider inviting me out? Too many uncomfortable questions methinks. Im not that bothered, as myself am not on they're level. 'Normal' people talk about normal things like weather and neighbours, but poets like to roll our tongues over dying and the art of insanity. Talking of careers or vehicles to me is like putting freckles on a silk veil.
Thats the trouble with smalltowns. Too many sparrows and not enough eagles.
Wednesday 15 July 2009
Saturday 28th August 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Never, ever want a day like today again!! To say I felt awful would be laughable, and one of the greatest understatements in the history of understatements. Spent the whole day staring into a toilet bowl, bringing up all kinds of wonderful gunk. Thick, green bile too. When youre leaking from both ends, almost at the same time, you know you have done some damage.
Im 22 for f**ks sake!! If I keep this up I will dead by 25. Perhaps this is a good thing and for the best.
Never, ever want a day like today again!! To say I felt awful would be laughable, and one of the greatest understatements in the history of understatements. Spent the whole day staring into a toilet bowl, bringing up all kinds of wonderful gunk. Thick, green bile too. When youre leaking from both ends, almost at the same time, you know you have done some damage.
Im 22 for f**ks sake!! If I keep this up I will dead by 25. Perhaps this is a good thing and for the best.
Friday 27th August 1993
Drunk!! I phoned Tina in Surrey and told her I had a daughter!?! That was pretty daft. What the f**k is with that?? I know I create other 'worlds' within my poetry, but must I allow it to spill into real life? She must think im a total dickhead, and quite rightly too. I don't blame her.
Secondary fermentation ends. Moved barrel to a cool place.
Since coming home from mums ive been drunk.When I stop it is going to be thunder!! Very ill. Still, there's a great Welsh saying - Ni cheir melys heb y chwerw - you can't get the sweet without the sour. And nothings sweeter than the flow of alcohol in my system.
Secondary fermentation ends. Moved barrel to a cool place.
Since coming home from mums ive been drunk.When I stop it is going to be thunder!! Very ill. Still, there's a great Welsh saying - Ni cheir melys heb y chwerw - you can't get the sweet without the sour. And nothings sweeter than the flow of alcohol in my system.
Wednesday 25th August 1993
What a day!! Hung out with Nicky for a while, getting a buzz on from valium and wine. Nicky won't inject any drugs tho, he's a wise dude. Injecting is a bad buisness but damn its nice!! I don't do it all the time anyway. Its too good. I just do it here and there.
Went to the Portobello later on when Nick had gone home. Tina Etteridge was in there so I hung out with her. We're into the same music and stuff and we talked about synthesisers today. I told her mine had broke which it has. See there's good people here in Burry Port, its just at times its over run with assholes. A small, quiet town can be a hive for back stabbing and envy. Not all the time but it can get ugly.
My generation of guys n' gals are pretty sweet tho.
All in all, a drunken, merry day!!
Went to the Portobello later on when Nick had gone home. Tina Etteridge was in there so I hung out with her. We're into the same music and stuff and we talked about synthesisers today. I told her mine had broke which it has. See there's good people here in Burry Port, its just at times its over run with assholes. A small, quiet town can be a hive for back stabbing and envy. Not all the time but it can get ugly.
My generation of guys n' gals are pretty sweet tho.
All in all, a drunken, merry day!!
Monday 23rd August 1993
My 22nd birthday!! Happy birthday to me. Ive lived wild and daring for one so young. Got drunk. Happy birthday to me indeed.
Sunday 22nd August 1993
Syphoned more beer into barrel. Secondary fermentaion ends next Friday. Stu called up on his bike, RDLC 250. I want one, tho not an LC.
Mum took us to the Waunwyllt for some nosh. I like that kind of place, very charming. Its out of the way too. I hate rowdy or busy places, where the next tables elbows are scraping your plate, and kids run like idiots around the tables. Waunwyllt is not such a place, sure it gets busy as all good places do, but theres no loud drunkards at the bar. Or slags warming their over priced asses on the jukebox.
The quieter the establishment, the better I like it. Ive always been this way. Kind of like ive been built for solitude.
The one thing I dislike about eating out, is the bloated feeling one gets. I felt too full to fit a drink in, but of course I did. Lots of them.
Mum took us to the Waunwyllt for some nosh. I like that kind of place, very charming. Its out of the way too. I hate rowdy or busy places, where the next tables elbows are scraping your plate, and kids run like idiots around the tables. Waunwyllt is not such a place, sure it gets busy as all good places do, but theres no loud drunkards at the bar. Or slags warming their over priced asses on the jukebox.
The quieter the establishment, the better I like it. Ive always been this way. Kind of like ive been built for solitude.
The one thing I dislike about eating out, is the bloated feeling one gets. I felt too full to fit a drink in, but of course I did. Lots of them.
Tuesday 14 July 2009
Friday 20th August 1993
Drank 2 cans of lager and a few shots of vodka. This is how it always f**king starts, one day leads to another...bring on the clowns!! And the sharks, the whirlwind, wolves, con men, street preachers, dragons, chalk mists, hysteria, sickness, bile, street kings and another new dawn of getting clean.
Wednesday 18th August 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Been sober two days. Fermentation ends on beer. Syphoned ale into pressure barrel, then leave for 2 - 3 weeks!! I thought this shit was quick?! Still looking for a motorbike. One will turn up. And probably kill me. Altho the devil looks after his own.
Been sober two days. Fermentation ends on beer. Syphoned ale into pressure barrel, then leave for 2 - 3 weeks!! I thought this shit was quick?! Still looking for a motorbike. One will turn up. And probably kill me. Altho the devil looks after his own.
Thursday 12th August 1993
Drunk as ten skunks!! Drunker than a barrel load of the critters. Stu is keeping an eye out for any motorbikes for sale. I need me some wheels, eventho im not sober for long enough to actually drive!! Perhaps having the freedom of the road will help me cut down on the sauce? I must find some kind of key to a better scene.
Watched Hot Shots, spoof of Top Gun. It was ok, but I was drunk so anything is going to be ok. Drink and pills make watching grass grow seem like Formula 1. And therein lies the beauty of it. Chemicals make flowers from garbage, music from barren land and excitement in the void of wastelands.
Watched Hot Shots, spoof of Top Gun. It was ok, but I was drunk so anything is going to be ok. Drink and pills make watching grass grow seem like Formula 1. And therein lies the beauty of it. Chemicals make flowers from garbage, music from barren land and excitement in the void of wastelands.
Tuesday 1oth August 1993
Bought a bottle of spiced vodka in Kwiksave in Carmarthen. Mum and I went shopping there. Talk about yuk!! It tasted like thyme or parsley. Who knows it might have been a cocktail mixer and meant to be put in some other, better tasting drink?? Did the job of f**king me up regardless. Utter rubbish taste tho.Give me a banana shake anyday.
I love parsley sauce. Fish, peas, potatoes smothered in good old parsley sauce is one of my favourite meals (along with chinese bar bq ribs, bacon sarnies, fish & chips roast beef dinners and cheese on toast). But put in vodka it should not be.
I love parsley sauce. Fish, peas, potatoes smothered in good old parsley sauce is one of my favourite meals (along with chinese bar bq ribs, bacon sarnies, fish & chips roast beef dinners and cheese on toast). But put in vodka it should not be.
Monday 9th August 1993
Started brewing my own ale. Fermenting begins. 30 pints of my finest, at a specific gravity of 1.050. Some would summise that im not that dedicated to sobriety by doing this, and to them id say 'no im not'.
And as if to illustrate that, I drank a few shots of Jim Beam and Coke. I prefer Jim to Jack Daniel's. I remember at the tail end of the 80's buying a bottle of Jack was akin to getting a Rolls Royce for the night. There was a group of us: Jase, Pogo, Dai, Gar, Carl, Nicky, Tommy, Stu and my good self, and if one of us had a bottle of JD then he would be the 'star' for the night. The one most sought after for the raw whisky in his coat pocket. Man that bottle sure elevated ones status. We would have Jack Daniel's and for that night at least, we were Motley Crue roaming Burry Port. Fantastic times.
And as if to illustrate that, I drank a few shots of Jim Beam and Coke. I prefer Jim to Jack Daniel's. I remember at the tail end of the 80's buying a bottle of Jack was akin to getting a Rolls Royce for the night. There was a group of us: Jase, Pogo, Dai, Gar, Carl, Nicky, Tommy, Stu and my good self, and if one of us had a bottle of JD then he would be the 'star' for the night. The one most sought after for the raw whisky in his coat pocket. Man that bottle sure elevated ones status. We would have Jack Daniel's and for that night at least, we were Motley Crue roaming Burry Port. Fantastic times.
Monday 13 July 2009
Sunday 8th August 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Went to Clydach market with mum. Bought matching Georgia tee shirt and shorts to work out in. Im not a huge fan of Swansea (I used to be in the 80s with the rock scene), but I like Clydach market. Its two large warehouses and inside traders sell loads of cool things. Good heavy metal stall there too. And the smell of frying burgers and bacon as you wander among the stalls is great!! Being a food lover I always applaud the smells of fried food, and on a Sunday too when roast dinner is on the menu. Nothing rocks like roast dinners and fried bacon!!
Went to Clydach market with mum. Bought matching Georgia tee shirt and shorts to work out in. Im not a huge fan of Swansea (I used to be in the 80s with the rock scene), but I like Clydach market. Its two large warehouses and inside traders sell loads of cool things. Good heavy metal stall there too. And the smell of frying burgers and bacon as you wander among the stalls is great!! Being a food lover I always applaud the smells of fried food, and on a Sunday too when roast dinner is on the menu. Nothing rocks like roast dinners and fried bacon!!
Tuesday 3rd August 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I like it here in my mums house. It relieves the boredom of Burry Port. Started reading Jurassic Park. I f**kin' love this shit!! Im relaxed, calm and im ME. Smoking and drinking pollute the body so bad, and my body has finally had enough. It deserves a rest. In fact its demanding respite. Nobody can dance with the reaper and not expect to get a bill. And Death doesn't accept IOU's.
I like it here in my mums house. It relieves the boredom of Burry Port. Started reading Jurassic Park. I f**kin' love this shit!! Im relaxed, calm and im ME. Smoking and drinking pollute the body so bad, and my body has finally had enough. It deserves a rest. In fact its demanding respite. Nobody can dance with the reaper and not expect to get a bill. And Death doesn't accept IOU's.
Sunday 1st August 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Been sick all day. Not eaten in days. Can't face food, or booze. Its making me feel very ill. My brain, chest and liver are surely starting to strain under the weight of such torrential abuse. Im like a peacock, displaying my beautiful, scarred plumage and only attracting hell and all its minions. They stick to my feathers, and won't let go. It is a headf**k which I cannot take anymore.
Been sick all day. Not eaten in days. Can't face food, or booze. Its making me feel very ill. My brain, chest and liver are surely starting to strain under the weight of such torrential abuse. Im like a peacock, displaying my beautiful, scarred plumage and only attracting hell and all its minions. They stick to my feathers, and won't let go. It is a headf**k which I cannot take anymore.
Friday 30th July 1993
Oh f**k!! Things got a little out of hand today, as things usually do with large quantities of pills and booze. Smashed John's Robin Hood video tape and then clocked my father one in the face!!
Tuesday 27th July 1993
Went to the Moonraker cesspit and asked Sarah for a dance but she told me she had a boyfriend. Huh?? I wanted a dance not a date!! She's not my type but I was buzzed and fancied a dance. Some girls get flattered too easily. Stupid gal. Ended up with no ride home, luckily Conrad saved me again and gave me a lift. We started a band, but only a drunken laugh.
Thursday 9 July 2009
Monday 26th July 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Kerry Daly phoned from his new home in Port Talbot. He's married now!! We had an hours talking, it was good to hear from him. I miss getting drunk, high and tattooed with him. He was a good mate, always looking out for you. In fact he's a perfect example of how church suckers should be like. Those pickled shells would brand Kerry a 'wrong 'un' but i'll tell you this: Kerry, and all my other friends, are worth a 100 of them. He's a good guy. And its boring here now. Nobody calls.
Kerry Daly phoned from his new home in Port Talbot. He's married now!! We had an hours talking, it was good to hear from him. I miss getting drunk, high and tattooed with him. He was a good mate, always looking out for you. In fact he's a perfect example of how church suckers should be like. Those pickled shells would brand Kerry a 'wrong 'un' but i'll tell you this: Kerry, and all my other friends, are worth a 100 of them. He's a good guy. And its boring here now. Nobody calls.
Sunday 25th July 1993
Drunk at home. Eventho I was drunk, I still felt ill. I think it must have been the weed I smoked!! I hate that stuff, but it was the only thing available on a Sunday. Even dealers go to sleep on Sunday. But I enjoy doing drugs on the Seventh Day. Its like you're w**king over church people. I despise those fools. Organised religion is such a devious, horrible poison. And most who attend are more back stabbing, more selfish, more bitchy, more cruel than any other person ive met. (And ive met them all). They only go to church to show others how they're repenting all their sins!! Truly pathetic, and they're so pious they'll think im spouting lies, but I KNOW them. C**ts everyone. And one day they will see the errors of their 'holy group'.
Saturday 24 July 1993
Duw Duw!! Went to the shytepit that is the Moonraker again!! (Why? Oh why? Do I love odious cretins so much?) Id had strong cans and morphine tho so I wasn't really aware of them. I was numb to the tedious cymbals. I was so high I started talking in an American accent, telling strangers I was from Texas. Some half bakes believed me too, and so I got to say how rubbish the Moonraker was by telling them everythings better over the pond.
I even went with Teleri!! I asked her out, she said yes and it was fine. However once we were outside she changed her mind as she was already dating!?! Undeterred I gave her my number and told her to think it over. I know its a lost cause, she's far too timid and fragile for me. Im a near God, she's a flower. (Morphine eh??)
I even went with Teleri!! I asked her out, she said yes and it was fine. However once we were outside she changed her mind as she was already dating!?! Undeterred I gave her my number and told her to think it over. I know its a lost cause, she's far too timid and fragile for me. Im a near God, she's a flower. (Morphine eh??)
Friday 23rd July 1993
I bought LSD yesterday off 'somebody' and dropped a few today. Blissed!! Trip City!! I'll do any drug, im not afraid of new experiences and disasters. I don't see the point in sticking to cannabis. Its the drug of the tourists. The jokers who like to pretend they've walked on the edge. You haven't done anything until you've tried at least 5 different types of drug. Its like the fools drinking only Mad Dog (the tramps juice), thats not drinking. Gin and whiskey, THOSE are drinking.
Tuesday 20th July 1993
Doctors Appointment 10.30am
Oh dear me! Got totally shitfaced and dropped valium again. Why do I even report this? I might as well write 'ditto' every day. I bloody smoked too!! Anyone gives me a cigarette in the future, im bopping them in the chops!! Smoking is so nasty to me. I hate smoking. It is the crown of the great unwashed.
Oh dear me! Got totally shitfaced and dropped valium again. Why do I even report this? I might as well write 'ditto' every day. I bloody smoked too!! Anyone gives me a cigarette in the future, im bopping them in the chops!! Smoking is so nasty to me. I hate smoking. It is the crown of the great unwashed.
Sunday 18th July 1993
Awake by 5am in B & B and Stu and I cracked open a few tinnies. Got home from Newport around noon. Stu had to go back to Ponthenri in a right state!! I boozed throughout the day. I have a high tolerance even at this age.
Wednesday 8 July 2009
Saturday 17th July 1993
Well again. Went with Stu to see Suicidal Tendancies in Newport. Stayed in a B&B. Newport is shit. Id hate to live there. What a desperate place. Suicidal Tendancies were great tho!! Moshed like lunatics. And needless to say we got howling drunk.
Friday 16th July 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Alcohol poisoning again groan!! Hell, im ill. These last 5 days ive swam in booze and pills. Beers n' valium in the morning to get me out of bed, spirits in the afternoon/evening. Im suprised ive not keeled over dead. Im spewing thick, green bile. Its like syrup, and feels like its coming out from a different place than my throat. Im ruining myself, im killing myself. God im sick.
Alcohol poisoning again groan!! Hell, im ill. These last 5 days ive swam in booze and pills. Beers n' valium in the morning to get me out of bed, spirits in the afternoon/evening. Im suprised ive not keeled over dead. Im spewing thick, green bile. Its like syrup, and feels like its coming out from a different place than my throat. Im ruining myself, im killing myself. God im sick.
Monday 12th July 1993
Drunk! And Id been sober for the last three days too. I can always get a few days (and weeks if im lucky) of sobriety under my belt, then go and screw it all up again!! Im mixing all kinds of pills and alcohol too. From whiskey to beer, and valium to mogadon. It all licks at my skeleton like an inferno of calm and dread. It haunts me this stuff. It is my nemesis to be sure. To be honest I don't want to be totally sober. Not deep down. Hell if I did, I would!! I like to imbibe in toxic dew and candy. This stuff wakes me up, and inspires me.
Tuesday 6th July 1993
Oh God!! What a day!! Drank so much beer and popped so much valium that I ended up in hospital!! Not serious tho, just a yob in casualty. I threw a coat at one of the doctors and he tried walking with dignity out of the ward but as I told him 'you can't look dignified wearing a coat on your head!!' Shameful behaviour, but im quite foolish when there's wind in my sails. Also the nurse gave me a tot of syrup stuff to make me sick. She said it was either that or a stomach pump. I took it, and I did feel sick, but just annoy the nurse I kept the vomit down. Childish git I can be. It was all for attention. I need to quit drinking and grow up. Id never be like this sober. Im a gentleman. Sober. A veritable loon when drinking.
Sunday 4th July 1993
Came home from Moonraker (God what a dive!) at 3am, lift off Conrad. I danced with Teleri and Linzi. Woke up at 11am, drank cider, popped valium by 2pm. Are my old ways returning? Have I stirred the sleeping wolf inside? Undoubtedly I have, and its like a dear friend returning. A flame igniting my spirit.
And why on earth did I go to the Moonraker last night? Its an utter shit pit. A real dump of a place. It tries to be as glitzy and as VIP as American clubs but fails big time!! The people who go there think they're beautiful and popular, when in truth they're only a bunch of slags and layabouts. Its a proper vile club, filled to the rooftop with wretches. Perhaps I drank today to sterilize myself from its stink.
And why on earth did I go to the Moonraker last night? Its an utter shit pit. A real dump of a place. It tries to be as glitzy and as VIP as American clubs but fails big time!! The people who go there think they're beautiful and popular, when in truth they're only a bunch of slags and layabouts. Its a proper vile club, filled to the rooftop with wretches. Perhaps I drank today to sterilize myself from its stink.
Saturday 3rd July 1993
Drunk f**k. Burry Port carnival. Moonraker at night. This is the type of rubbish that sad losers call enjoyment. Personally id rather be in a coma. Which I was essentially. I started drinking early, but on this day I wasn't alone. Loads of us drink on carnival day. And the oafish among us start fighting. I don't, im a drinker not a fighter.
Tuesday 7 July 2009
Friday 2nd July 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I have now been a vegetarian for a year. Meat is murder! Although I admit its not saving animals which drives me, its saving myself. I need to cut out the fats and grease and this is one way to do it. Its annoying too because the majority of veggies are horrid looking individuals. All sandals and hand knitted bobble hats. Very pathetic looking fools. I don't dress like that. I don't even think like them.
I have now been a vegetarian for a year. Meat is murder! Although I admit its not saving animals which drives me, its saving myself. I need to cut out the fats and grease and this is one way to do it. Its annoying too because the majority of veggies are horrid looking individuals. All sandals and hand knitted bobble hats. Very pathetic looking fools. I don't dress like that. I don't even think like them.
Thursday 1st July 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I seriously want to move away and start a family. Madness I know, I can't even raise myself out of the booze sewer. Ok its a sewer but a very beautiful one, with lots of colourful characters searching for the light. Im not alone here.
Also fallen in Love with sunrise. i don't go to bed until 5am because of it. The morning is very inspirational. One can get drunk on fresh dew. A different kind of drunk but inebriated just the same. Always with the booze.
I seriously want to move away and start a family. Madness I know, I can't even raise myself out of the booze sewer. Ok its a sewer but a very beautiful one, with lots of colourful characters searching for the light. Im not alone here.
Also fallen in Love with sunrise. i don't go to bed until 5am because of it. The morning is very inspirational. One can get drunk on fresh dew. A different kind of drunk but inebriated just the same. Always with the booze.
Tuesday 29th June 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I wouldn't mind some speed for the carnival on Saturday. Burry Port carnival is always on the first Saturday of July. It is always a riot of events, and has its fair share of drinkers fuelling themselves up into thinking they are Superman. There's floats and a fair, plus stalls on the rugby pitches down the park. Its a typical small village event, where everyone tries to have a little attention. I don't really enjoy it, but its an excuse to drink and go wild.
Its pretty pathetic if you think about it too much. So its best not to.
I wouldn't mind some speed for the carnival on Saturday. Burry Port carnival is always on the first Saturday of July. It is always a riot of events, and has its fair share of drinkers fuelling themselves up into thinking they are Superman. There's floats and a fair, plus stalls on the rugby pitches down the park. Its a typical small village event, where everyone tries to have a little attention. I don't really enjoy it, but its an excuse to drink and go wild.
Its pretty pathetic if you think about it too much. So its best not to.
Saturday 26th June 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Took valium and tranqs but still not drinking. But there is a sleeping dragon insode of me, I must tread softly around it for it has a raging thirst, not just for booze but for chaos too.
My liver must be wondering whats happened.
The original 1962 'Cape Fear' was on tonight. Brilliant! 9/10
Took valium and tranqs but still not drinking. But there is a sleeping dragon insode of me, I must tread softly around it for it has a raging thirst, not just for booze but for chaos too.
My liver must be wondering whats happened.
The original 1962 'Cape Fear' was on tonight. Brilliant! 9/10
Monday 6 July 2009
Monday 21st June 1993
Repeat Prescription. Zero Alcohol.
Took three 20mg Temazepam and five 2mg Diazepam. Total 70mg. Then another 5 2mg valium taking the total to 80mg. Also took 5 2mg on top. Total 90mg. Well its better than drinking. Many would say im replacing one for the other but hell, you can't win with those idiots!!
Took three 20mg Temazepam and five 2mg Diazepam. Total 70mg. Then another 5 2mg valium taking the total to 80mg. Also took 5 2mg on top. Total 90mg. Well its better than drinking. Many would say im replacing one for the other but hell, you can't win with those idiots!!
Sunday 20th June 1993
Zero Alcohol
However I did take pills. Took 4 10mg Temazepam, and three 5mg Diazepam. Total 55mg. I must have something stimulating in my decrepid veins. Well not 'must' but I enjoy having it. It may well steer me toward alcohol again, but f**k it. These tablets don't only calm me, they also make my speech better. I talk easier with them swimming in my head. And this is a major relief to me.
However I did take pills. Took 4 10mg Temazepam, and three 5mg Diazepam. Total 55mg. I must have something stimulating in my decrepid veins. Well not 'must' but I enjoy having it. It may well steer me toward alcohol again, but f**k it. These tablets don't only calm me, they also make my speech better. I talk easier with them swimming in my head. And this is a major relief to me.
Saturday 19th June 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I created my own shirt today. I got hold of a plain brown one, cut a 'arrow' tenplate from cardboard, then covered the shirt in arrows thus creating a Victorian jail style shirt! Its cool too. My creative juices flow in many directions, poetry, essays, plays, music/visual journals and now clothes design!! My aunt Margaret loved it as well. She said, 'see that shirt? You can't buy that, its Steven's own design.' Bless her.
Keeps me from 'designing' myself a distorted liver anyway. Or sculpting my kidneys into withered engines.
I created my own shirt today. I got hold of a plain brown one, cut a 'arrow' tenplate from cardboard, then covered the shirt in arrows thus creating a Victorian jail style shirt! Its cool too. My creative juices flow in many directions, poetry, essays, plays, music/visual journals and now clothes design!! My aunt Margaret loved it as well. She said, 'see that shirt? You can't buy that, its Steven's own design.' Bless her.
Keeps me from 'designing' myself a distorted liver anyway. Or sculpting my kidneys into withered engines.
Thursday 17th June 1993
Zero Alcohol.
I have been sober for a whole week!! Its been good. Ive not really thought about drinking. And thats the thing, if i don't let alcohol dominate my thoughts its not a problem. I certainly don't miss it. Who knows why I drink? Love the attention, and craziness of the lifestyle I guess.
Nothing interesting happened outside of poetry. Im going through a 'I Hate Burry Port' phase. Hey im young, Ive not learnt to appreciate everything.
I have been sober for a whole week!! Its been good. Ive not really thought about drinking. And thats the thing, if i don't let alcohol dominate my thoughts its not a problem. I certainly don't miss it. Who knows why I drink? Love the attention, and craziness of the lifestyle I guess.
Nothing interesting happened outside of poetry. Im going through a 'I Hate Burry Port' phase. Hey im young, Ive not learnt to appreciate everything.
Thursday 10th June 1993
F**k this! If I carry on like this im going to screw my whole body up. Today will be the last time I get drunk or high. I will try. Its a tall order, and a massive mountain to climb but it has to be done. Or at least attempted. Either I ascend the hill of sobriety, or I DESCEND into a whirlpool of paralytic mayhem. And that won't be pretty to anyone.
Wednesday 9th June 1993
Horrible day! Took a load of valium in front of my father and he started to phone for an ambulance. What was the idiot thinking? Suicide? Me? Im not the type, I just wanted a buzz. And you know me, I LOVE an audience. I do things as a macabre attention seeking circus. A freak show on wheels, and running on booze fumes. Inspired by the chalks and ferris wheel of palava inside my brain.
I do things because I like digging graves, (quite literally at times) and I enjoy the look of horror and disbelief in peoples eyes. Shock Poet perhaps.
I do things because I like digging graves, (quite literally at times) and I enjoy the look of horror and disbelief in peoples eyes. Shock Poet perhaps.
Tuesday 8th June 1993
Drunk and loaded with gin, Mad Dog 20/20, beer and my beloved valium. Or Val Yum-Yum!! Its God's own pill. Must be like when one dies, being under valium influence. I hope so anyway.
Wrote a great little piece today too. And this was before the buzz descended, so its not hokus pokus.
Wrote a great little piece today too. And this was before the buzz descended, so its not hokus pokus.
Monday 7th June 1993
Doctors appointment. Or should I say 'Pill Day'??
Im glad im back in Burry Port, I caused a rift in my mums house yesterday. She drinks too and we're the same volatile and unpredictable characters so its not always a pleasant mix. In fact sometimes its downright lethal!!
Got pretty loaded with my pills today, all washed down with beer!! Its not as vacant as it sounds here on paper. I mean I don't just get wasted, I write constantly too. Im a poet/playwright. Id go nuts if it were just getting hammered and sitting watching tv all day. Now THATS a terrible waste of life.
Im glad im back in Burry Port, I caused a rift in my mums house yesterday. She drinks too and we're the same volatile and unpredictable characters so its not always a pleasant mix. In fact sometimes its downright lethal!!
Got pretty loaded with my pills today, all washed down with beer!! Its not as vacant as it sounds here on paper. I mean I don't just get wasted, I write constantly too. Im a poet/playwright. Id go nuts if it were just getting hammered and sitting watching tv all day. Now THATS a terrible waste of life.
Saturday 5th June 1993
Ive admitted im alcoholic, but is there a way out? Stu came up to Pen Y Mynydd and we shared some valium and got buzzed and drunk.
Friday 3 July 2009
Thursday 3rd June 1993
Got drunk and watched Point Break for the fifth time!! I love it, Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves. Id love to surf, can't be that much removed from skateboarding which I was good at in years gone by. Years beyond my grip. And boy are the actors ripped in the film!
Going back home on Monday as I have a doctors appointment again. More pills! Is there anything more than poetry, booze, pills and films?? Hey I work hard on my writing and philosophy, surely im allowed to kick back? Often. Its tough being a writer, we can't take holidays unless we cut our heads off. There's no escaping the almost constant ideas/thoughts, its a daily blaze inside the brain and this is one of the reasons we poets drink so heavily. Its a time out zone.
Going back home on Monday as I have a doctors appointment again. More pills! Is there anything more than poetry, booze, pills and films?? Hey I work hard on my writing and philosophy, surely im allowed to kick back? Often. Its tough being a writer, we can't take holidays unless we cut our heads off. There's no escaping the almost constant ideas/thoughts, its a daily blaze inside the brain and this is one of the reasons we poets drink so heavily. Its a time out zone.
Tuesday 1st June 1993
Back in Pen Y Mynydd (Top of the Hill). How I managed to watch JFK I don't know! Why did I come back to mums? Self preservation I think, because when im left to my own devices I forget to eat. I believe in a liquid diet, with a few lumps of something savory thrown in as an after thought. Like a scotch egg, or pot noodle. Actually ive come to mix the two. I scoop the egg out and swallow it like a sozzled python, and then I tip a load of noodles into the 'scotch' part of the scotch egg. And munch happily away. Hey what with cigs n' booze its hella nutritious!!
Anyway like I said, I got nuked. Drunk.
Anyway like I said, I got nuked. Drunk.
Sunday 30th May 1993
Came home from Mums and got absolutely legless in the comfort of Burry Port. There's no f**ker to see, or annoy where Mother lives in Pen Y Mynydd. She was stupid to move there. Its a dump.
Fiday 28th May 1993
Ive got this strange urge to film a visual journal in the nearby countryside! Drunk of course. In whatever I think, im arty and creative about it. I can borrow Mums camcorder and let roll the visual verbiage!! Altho Burry Port has the more stimulating views, and more beautiful. Got drunk. Now thats news!!
Tuseday 25th May 1993
Went to stay at my mothers house after a doctors appointment. Needless to say I drank! Went debt collecting with Mum too. Around the seedier parts of Llanelli. You know the types: over grown lawns, rusting bikes and deflated paddling pools everywhere. But some of the people are nice I gather. I couldn't care less anyway, I just wanna get pissed.
Wednesday 1 July 2009
Saturday 22nd May 1993
Drank and smoked a few spliffs. Not forgetting all the valium of course! To be honest I don't like cannabis. It doesn't work for me, and never gets me high or buzzed, just sickly. Its the most boring drug in the world, no wonder its probably one of the safest.
It doesn't get me to the place I want to go. Cannabis = Boredom. Its for the tourist, or the dabblers of the addiction plains. Give me alcohol, morphine, valium, mogadon and amphetamine any time.
It doesn't get me to the place I want to go. Cannabis = Boredom. Its for the tourist, or the dabblers of the addiction plains. Give me alcohol, morphine, valium, mogadon and amphetamine any time.
Thursday 20th May 1993
Sick all day in the toilet, but carried on drinking regardless!! Another drunken sickly day at Elkington Towers. My kingdom of catastrophe and mad schemes. A cloud where bad eggs are hatched. If these walls could talk, a sombre story would emerge. And sometimes a horny sexy one as well. No regrets.
Wednesday 19th May 1993
Sucked on half a bottle of gin by 10am! Then moved onto beer. Talk about going in the wrong direction. Shouls have hit the beer first, but I figured im going to end up blitzed whichever way I drink them.
Monday 17th May 1993
Zero Alcohol.
A sober day!? F**k ive managed to stay off it for a whole day!! I CAN do it, but sobriety is like an island and im surrounded by sharks, enticing me to indulge in intoxication every day. And when I do partake, its ME who becomes the shark. Seeking solace in the ballads of the weak. Im a social predator, hunting for a juicy soul to entertain me. A carnivore.
But today im sober, and not taken pills either. But it won't last. It never does.
A sober day!? F**k ive managed to stay off it for a whole day!! I CAN do it, but sobriety is like an island and im surrounded by sharks, enticing me to indulge in intoxication every day. And when I do partake, its ME who becomes the shark. Seeking solace in the ballads of the weak. Im a social predator, hunting for a juicy soul to entertain me. A carnivore.
But today im sober, and not taken pills either. But it won't last. It never does.
Wednesday 12th May 1993
Drunk and sick. Sick and drunk. All day. Every day. Im in a mottled hell with pretty demons as playmates.
Tuesday 30 June 2009
Monday 10th May 1993
Started drinking at 11am. I spewed traces of blood at 1.47pm. HELP!! Im only 22, what the f**k am I doing to myself? But it isn't me really, Im a good, kind kid. I have an evil twin, a drunkard in my spirit and when I booze he comes out to play. Or wreak havoc. Self doubt is the trigger, anger is the bullet smashing into the bottle, and its an arrogant bully who emerges from the explosion, but a bully with a seeking, kinder, lonely streak in him.
Drunk. Drunk. And more Drunk Drunk.
Drunk. Drunk. And more Drunk Drunk.
Friday 7th May 1993
Drunk! Don't know when I was sober last. I could flip a page to find out but im pretty wasted.
Tuesday 4th May 1993
Doctors Appointment 10.20am.
Put me on a higher dose of Temezepam to sleep, and Diazepam (valium) to calm me down. I admit I exaggerated my story to get a higher dose, but it works, everyones doing it. This is a definate case where 'children' who lie get rewarded with 'sweets'. Doc advised me to see a psychologist, but i'll pass. Im on the hoodwink game to get the decent medicines. And don't think this is easy, living on the fly like this. Its a full time job. The scheming, and scoring, and devising new scenarios for doctor to swallow.
The suits think the 'street wolves', (we rock kids) are fools and stupid, and regarding using chemicals we are, but we're not dolts when it comes to tricking people and being ahead of the game. We have doctors in tangles, and trip up the casual observer. Its the 9 to fivers who are behind in this game. We devils look after our own.
Put me on a higher dose of Temezepam to sleep, and Diazepam (valium) to calm me down. I admit I exaggerated my story to get a higher dose, but it works, everyones doing it. This is a definate case where 'children' who lie get rewarded with 'sweets'. Doc advised me to see a psychologist, but i'll pass. Im on the hoodwink game to get the decent medicines. And don't think this is easy, living on the fly like this. Its a full time job. The scheming, and scoring, and devising new scenarios for doctor to swallow.
The suits think the 'street wolves', (we rock kids) are fools and stupid, and regarding using chemicals we are, but we're not dolts when it comes to tricking people and being ahead of the game. We have doctors in tangles, and trip up the casual observer. Its the 9 to fivers who are behind in this game. We devils look after our own.
Friday 30th April 1993
Ive been drunk for days and days, nights upon stony nights. Im doing the same again today, rolling along my wicked destruction. Please somebody, help me give up drink please!
Wednesday 28th April 1993
Another day of drunken debauchery! Bought 16 cans of beer, started drinking 10am along with lots of valiums!! The initial buzz, as the valium creeps into your brain on a surf of beer froth, is beautiful. I want more. Silent fingers rummaging in your mind, unfolding strips of serenity. Stretching scenes of fairytales behind your eyelids. This is valium to me.
Mists of calm, descending upon on my fevered, intense brow, and silence falls onto my nerve ends and skin like tiny pellets of evening song. Contened camels, roving through the plains of my nightmares and sending chaos to sleep. I love the gentle menace of tranquilisers.
Mists of calm, descending upon on my fevered, intense brow, and silence falls onto my nerve ends and skin like tiny pellets of evening song. Contened camels, roving through the plains of my nightmares and sending chaos to sleep. I love the gentle menace of tranquilisers.
Monday 29 June 2009
Monday 26th April 1993
Got drunk today (like thats news) and phoned Tina. I told her I was in Scotland and asked her out! She said yes! Alcohol is cruel.
Ive never met her, only through letters and phone. Ive no intention of meeting her either. And Scotland? Im so drunk im making up weird stuff. Its a combination of youth, eagerness, enthusiasm, valium and alcohol. A very lethal cocktail.
Ive never met her, only through letters and phone. Ive no intention of meeting her either. And Scotland? Im so drunk im making up weird stuff. Its a combination of youth, eagerness, enthusiasm, valium and alcohol. A very lethal cocktail.
Saturday 24th April 1993
Drunk as f**k. Its never ending. Im drinking like a fool. Fish don't drink this much. I see it as medicine, and this is my trouble.
Wednesday 21st April 1993
Got totally shit faced. Fell asleep on a piece of grass down Ashburnham way, and ended up having my butt thrown in jail! To sleep off the beer. My father had to get me out, well pick me up. What a f**king place!!
Sterile and a green 'fog' hangs there. In a cell. But I wasn't charged with a crime because I don't break the law. It was 'for my own safety' Paul (the cop) told me. And I was rather touched.
Sterile and a green 'fog' hangs there. In a cell. But I wasn't charged with a crime because I don't break the law. It was 'for my own safety' Paul (the cop) told me. And I was rather touched.
Monday 19th April 1993
Oh oh trouble! Ive only got half a bottle of Mad Dog wine left!I'll drink it and take loads of sleeping pills with it.
Saturday 17th April 1993
Had a letter from Tina, I think she's trying to tell me that she fancies me. How could somebody fancy an alcoholic? Got pissed again.
Thursday 15th April 1993
Pretty horrid night! Went to the Portobello (pub), drank Jack Daniel's (ontop of what id been drinking all day), had a petty ruck with old friend Geraint and ended up talking to an ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend!!!!
Stupid boy I am. Im railing at the world, like a crazy loaded pinball, spinning out of control and bumping into childish confrontations. I think I do cool things, but im not in my right senses when im thinking them, im drunk!
Stupid boy I am. Im railing at the world, like a crazy loaded pinball, spinning out of control and bumping into childish confrontations. I think I do cool things, but im not in my right senses when im thinking them, im drunk!
Wednesday 14th April 1993
Stu came down and we tooksome valium washed down with mother natures finest booze!! Blissed :)
Tuesday 13th April 1993
Oh well! Ive done it again! Drank some more booze. I tell you, alchol is like a whirlwind, and once you're in its pretty hard to come out. Perhaps a cliche but no less true. Im like a cowboy, with cans at my side instead of pistols, and looking not for trouble but peace.
Sunday 28 June 2009
Monday 12th April 1993
I have been sober for 4 days. Its been good. Ive been good. Still not eaten much for days, as my insides are still slightly bruised. I must quit, otherwise my life will be f**ked up forever. And im a good guy. Beneath all the booze and pills, im honest, creative, kind, good natured, genorous and caring. Im not a selfish asshole like some sober people are. I like to help, and make people feel good. I look 'eccentric' and maybe have a bad boy rockstar image, but my heart is gentle and kind.
Thursday 8th April 1993
Thought I was going to die today. Ive got alcohol poisoning! This time I think its serious, Ive got to knock it on the head for 3 months. But I think it will be for good. Jeepers I feel rough. Like my insides have rotted. Im being sick ontop of being sick. My sides hurt. Head in a whirlpool of thoughts and crazy moods. I must stop, or i'll be dead. Or mad. Or both.
Wednesday 7th April 1993
This is the last straw! Today I bought a litre of whiskey, drank it all. And f**king smoked!! I remember, pretty f**king vaguely, walking on the streets, blitzed outta my mind, thinking 'hmm I need a fag' and buying 10 in the Co-op. Very little else. I am death walking.
Tuesday 6th April 1993
Got totally out of control. I can't remember the day. Bought 8 cans of Tennent's Super 9% beer and f**k knows what else. Its like I was swallowed by an ogre. People must be noticing, but im way past caring a damn. I cradle my skeleton in a dizzy potent soup.
Friday 2nd April 19993
Doctors Appointment 9am. Got my pill shaped goodies. Parcels of chalky bliss. Finished painting the gym, and went to Tesco to get a 12 pack of beer.
Monday 29th March 19993
Had four cans of lager. Ive found that I am able to have a few drinks and not go over the top. If I take things easy I'll be okay.
Also began work on my new gym today. Doing out the room, stripping paint and shit. Its shaping up nicely, I'll be glad when its ready. Booze and gym? Weird combo but thats me all over.
Also began work on my new gym today. Doing out the room, stripping paint and shit. Its shaping up nicely, I'll be glad when its ready. Booze and gym? Weird combo but thats me all over.
Saturday 27th March 19993
Felt like a drink today, but once I start I can't f**king stop!! Its never just one. And I don't see the point in Ones.
Sunday 21st March 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Ive been sober four days now, ive been reclusive for far longer. My insomnia has gotten worse since going dry. I don't sleep until around 6.20am, it used to be 5am. Ideas on poetry are filling my head as usual. Like a tyre, expanding and rolling. Wrote. Im a writer/poet, nothing else. I walk around in waistcoats and dickie bows, like im in the 18th century.
Ive been sober four days now, ive been reclusive for far longer. My insomnia has gotten worse since going dry. I don't sleep until around 6.20am, it used to be 5am. Ideas on poetry are filling my head as usual. Like a tyre, expanding and rolling. Wrote. Im a writer/poet, nothing else. I walk around in waistcoats and dickie bows, like im in the 18th century.
Wednesday 17th March 1993
My brother, Stu, came down and we got some valium and a bottle of wine in.There goes yesterday. This stuff is pretty hard to quit.
Tuesday 16th March 1993
Drank a bottle of whiskey and cans, and f**king smoked again!! Today IS the last time I smoke because im giving up booze.
Saturday 13th March 1993
Drank 4 Strongbow, 1 Kestrel Super 8.9% and 2 lagers. This is nothing compared to what I used to drink. But then its only the start. Im just warming up.
Friday 12th March 1993
Drank 4 cans of Budweiser and watched Lethal Weapon 3 and Nightbreed. Is this the start again? The rewind button, I always seem to fall on? Drinking 4 cans is a GO sign to me. Im like a sprinter at the blocks, primed to catapult myself into drunkeness.
And why do Americans like Budweiser? They probably don't and we silly Brits think they do because its popular.
And why do Americans like Budweiser? They probably don't and we silly Brits think they do because its popular.
Tuesday 9th March 1993
Zero Alcohol
Had a letter from Tina, who ive been a penpal with since meeting throughn Metal Hammer's penpal section. She also sent a photo, I think im in love!! Shes quite gorgeous, with smoking, devil eyes. She lives quite far though, so I doubt we'll ever hook up. Its something to keep me sober I suppose.
I posted a hurried reply.
Had a letter from Tina, who ive been a penpal with since meeting throughn Metal Hammer's penpal section. She also sent a photo, I think im in love!! Shes quite gorgeous, with smoking, devil eyes. She lives quite far though, so I doubt we'll ever hook up. Its something to keep me sober I suppose.
I posted a hurried reply.
Saturday 6th March 1993
Drank beer and got absolutely mortal drunk. The green eggs (temazepam) didn't help either. Boy mixing sleeping tablets and beer gives a fine feeling. Mogadon is best but im out of those beauties for now. Im writing well tho, even through the fuzz of booze. Every day im hammering at the typewriter like a chicken pecking its grain. Until the grip of a buzz gets me of course. Then I'll dice a bit with ideas, and fall outside, only to find myself wandering around Burry Port, being nice but probaby also annoying. Burry Port has some real good people, but as with everwhere it has its assholes.
Me being the biggest. Hic!!
Me being the biggest. Hic!!
Wednesday 3rd March 1993
F**ked everything up by drinking (and smoking) again!! When im sober, im like a condemned man standing on the gallows trapdoor. Im alive in sobriety, then all of a sudden the trapdoor falls and I plunge headlong into inebreation and oblivion.
But its me pulling the lever of 'death'. And im wearing a smiley face hood.
But its me pulling the lever of 'death'. And im wearing a smiley face hood.
Monday 1st March 1993
No Alcohol.
This time I believe I can stay away from booze and drugs. But lets be honest about drugs, Im not as in love with them as I am with the sauce. Ok I love valium and morphine but the others (amphetamine, cannabis, mushrooms, LSD) I can take or leave. Drugs are a sideshow. And the ones I abuse most often (the pills) are all legally prescribed to me.
Still im sober today, and all is fine.
This time I believe I can stay away from booze and drugs. But lets be honest about drugs, Im not as in love with them as I am with the sauce. Ok I love valium and morphine but the others (amphetamine, cannabis, mushrooms, LSD) I can take or leave. Drugs are a sideshow. And the ones I abuse most often (the pills) are all legally prescribed to me.
Still im sober today, and all is fine.
Sunday 28th Febuary 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Being sober sucks! Still, I haven't touched any alcohol. If the binges are mild, its easy to kick. But when I really fly, its murder to kick into touch. And when I fly Ive usually taken all my pills to get me airborne, so im outta pills to get me through the booze withdrawals.
F**k im only 22 and im speaking of withdrawals!?! How sick is this? Am I sick?
Being sober sucks! Still, I haven't touched any alcohol. If the binges are mild, its easy to kick. But when I really fly, its murder to kick into touch. And when I fly Ive usually taken all my pills to get me airborne, so im outta pills to get me through the booze withdrawals.
F**k im only 22 and im speaking of withdrawals!?! How sick is this? Am I sick?
Saturday 27th Febuary 1993
Zero Alcohol. Ive been sober for a few days now. Poetry is my life, im a really good poet and its not just me who thinks this. I write well. Im none too shabby at boozing and pill popping either. I want to abandon everything but my writings, whatever the hell that means. (Drink I guess).
Wednesday 24th Febuary 1993
Drank all day and night. Last cigarette ever. I detest these f**king things. If they did any good I could see a point, but smoking these vile roots has no benefits whatsoever. Unlike booze. That has amazing qualities, and more of it should be taken. I fancied some more morphine today as well. But not going scoring some, too beautiful to abuse.
Alcohol is enough. And chalks (pills).
I love drinking, then staggering about down the harbour. Actually I carry myself off rather well in public when pissed. A lot cannot actually see that im steaming drunk. Good times.
Alcohol is enough. And chalks (pills).
I love drinking, then staggering about down the harbour. Actually I carry myself off rather well in public when pissed. A lot cannot actually see that im steaming drunk. Good times.
Wednesday 17th Febuary 1993
Today was a blast. Drank of course, but also got hold of some morphine (MST's)which I proceeded to inject. I don't like inject lots of morphine because its simply too good. Anything that gives that kind of super buzz must be treated with large doses of respect. I adore the high morphine gives you, so I must take it sparingly otherwise my addictions would soar.
But make no mistake about it. Morphine IS a beautiful drug. And I enjoyed today greatly. Even the 'art' to injecting is fun. The preperation. Also took large doses of temazepam. You could say I don't like being awake.
Also bloody smoked again!! I hate tobacco.
But make no mistake about it. Morphine IS a beautiful drug. And I enjoyed today greatly. Even the 'art' to injecting is fun. The preperation. Also took large doses of temazepam. You could say I don't like being awake.
Also bloody smoked again!! I hate tobacco.
Tuesday 16th Febuary 1993
Drank alcohol.
F**king smoked too!!!!
Im more upset about smoking. Drinking I can live with. Or die for.
F**king smoked too!!!!
Im more upset about smoking. Drinking I can live with. Or die for.
Monday 15th Febuary 1993
I have been clean and sober for the last 8 days. I can do it if I decide to. I wish I could quit smoking too. Of all the harmful things I do, cigarettes are the most foul. Others seem to enjoy smoking when drinking, but I hate it. Tea with a ciggie is nice, but booze is horrid with a lungful of smoke.
Sunday 7th Febuary 1993
I promised myself that this was the last time I drink or do drugs for a while. Otherwise I'll die. One last tipple of thrills, behind the blanket of dozens of pills. And Sundays are pathetic. Boring.
3rd Febuary 1993
Got the shakes this morning. So I drank. And followed this path of devils into the hunt of sleep. I do continue to be creative and write, as long as drink is near, and im not passed out. Im not a lazy drunk, I don't sit around all day drinking and watching television thats for sure. That lifestyle would drive me crazy. Even more crazy than my current lifestyle.
I must write, poems, plays, essays, anything. And the drink/pills isn't because im 'copying' other writers. I do it because its the only way I get a break from constant ideas.
I must write, poems, plays, essays, anything. And the drink/pills isn't because im 'copying' other writers. I do it because its the only way I get a break from constant ideas.
2nd Febuary 1993
9.15 am Doctors Appointment.
I love going to the doctors. We talk, I lie, say im doing okay. Its only for the pretty script (prescription) that I go there for. Diazepam 10mg, Mogadon 5mg and Temazepam. Tablets of calm for the furies in my head. Im so young, but so old and bitter. And probably toxic.
Strolled along the streets, watching people play normal. They don't think im watching them, but I am. From a cloud, or behind the fog of pills and alcohol.
Got totally drunk all day and night, plus the pills of course.
I love going to the doctors. We talk, I lie, say im doing okay. Its only for the pretty script (prescription) that I go there for. Diazepam 10mg, Mogadon 5mg and Temazepam. Tablets of calm for the furies in my head. Im so young, but so old and bitter. And probably toxic.
Strolled along the streets, watching people play normal. They don't think im watching them, but I am. From a cloud, or behind the fog of pills and alcohol.
Got totally drunk all day and night, plus the pills of course.
Saturday 27 June 2009
Sunday 31st January 1993
Im dicing with death. Got completely drunk again and frightengly suffered a black out. I didn't know where I was, or who I was. Just a drunk and tired shell of a man/boy, wanting to find a grassy knoll to rest upon. Hopefully the swallows, or spiders, can stitch my head back up. Not from wounds but soul fights.
Saturday 30th January 1993
Pissed up again! Consumed a molotov cocktail of drink and drugs. And every chemical twists my fibre into a twisted replica of my true self. Im a good guy, dressed and shackled to a voodoo doll of consumption. No harm to anyone but myself. Im ringing sober bells and getting nothing but drunk replies. Echoes from the un-sober. Im a bee, better looking than a fly, drawn toward intoxicated carrion.
Thursday 28th January 1993
Did not touch alcohol. Very proud. Im taking it one day at a time. It can and shall be done. I notice colours more when clean and sober. There are lullabies not chainsaws in the air. Quite pleasant. A sober day.
Wednesday 27th Jnuary 1993
DRYING OUT TIME!!
BEGAN DETOX.
Drinking pineapple and grapefruit for a while.
BEGAN DETOX.
Drinking pineapple and grapefruit for a while.
Tuesday 26th January 1993
Drank around 18 cans of beer. Stayed clear of smoking tho. Most proud. Inflated my kidneys but deflated the lungs. I know it won't last, im a slave to personal destruction. And believe it or not, most days im having fun.
Monday 25th January 1993
Im trying to quit smoking. I get no pleasure from drinking while smoking, in fact its a wretched combination, and I want to quit smoking. So far so good. None (ciggies) today.
Friday 22nd January 1993
Had pay and bought lots of rum, which I proceeded to wallow in. Rum is not my usual tipple, but hell it works. Its sickly stuff but sure cleans the bones of rust, spiritual rust. Or dust. I can never think straight on rum. Or any booze, but I know it gives me shelter.
Tuesday 19th January 1993
Thank God I keep a diary, id never remember these days otherwise. Unless I counted the scars on my liver.
9.05am Doctors appointment. Collected my wonderful prescription of legal valium, etc then went nextdoor to the Co-op for precious alcohol to wash the pills down with. The fizzy bubbles sent the tablet chalk to hyper drive. I love getting off it.
9.05am Doctors appointment. Collected my wonderful prescription of legal valium, etc then went nextdoor to the Co-op for precious alcohol to wash the pills down with. The fizzy bubbles sent the tablet chalk to hyper drive. I love getting off it.
Sunday 17th January 1993
F**ked everything up by getting drunk and stoned. Been high for the last two days, and now im getting worse. Alcoholic and streetcar junkie? Or legal junkie? Christ who cares what junkie I am? Im high, and an enemy to my health and sanity. Death spies me from every shadowy corner, and yet I welcome his velvet rags.
Thursday 14th January 1993
Worst day! I got drunk at about 11am, fell asleep around 2pm. Woke up at 6pm and didn't know where I was. Im shattered, in more ways than one. I see bleeding on the walls, puddles in the sink. Im bored and wild, and on a mission of inebreation. Drink is my God, the flow is my Satan.
I got tattooed only to feel more pain. But tattoo pain doesn't hurt. Never can hurt an ogre of delight.
I got tattooed only to feel more pain. But tattoo pain doesn't hurt. Never can hurt an ogre of delight.
Tuesday 12th January 1993
Got a tattoo today and pissed. Im lucky in that my tattooist is a close friend, and he'll ink me at his home. I don't remember the tattoo but will in the morning.
Sunday 10 January 1993
Stayed sober for the day, got drunk at night. Im trying to stay sober but its tough. Ive been sober for a few times but its boring. I don't know how I will live, or how i'll eventually die. Im a young man, but I feel, from my wretched guts, as old as stale bread. Its shitty to drink, but worse not to. I think im alcoholic, but im having fun, and isn't that the main thing?
Introduction
I have run the idea of publishing my diaries through my mind so often I almost end up arguing with myself. In the end I decided honesty was the best route and so you find yourself amongst the years of a Welsh poet. Often confused, lonely, attention seeking, death wishing, unstable, wandering but more often than not drunk or high. Often both.
My nineties were a shambolic walk through death and addiction. Of heart ache and lots of soul searching. A lot of people think it cool to taste oblivion. Come, lets us walk in hell and see if the flames of excess are warm enough for you....
Steven Francis June 27th 2009
My nineties were a shambolic walk through death and addiction. Of heart ache and lots of soul searching. A lot of people think it cool to taste oblivion. Come, lets us walk in hell and see if the flames of excess are warm enough for you....
Steven Francis June 27th 2009
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