Started drinking at 11am. I spewed traces of blood at 1.47pm. HELP!! Im only 22, what the f**k am I doing to myself? But it isn't me really, Im a good, kind kid. I have an evil twin, a drunkard in my spirit and when I booze he comes out to play. Or wreak havoc. Self doubt is the trigger, anger is the bullet smashing into the bottle, and its an arrogant bully who emerges from the explosion, but a bully with a seeking, kinder, lonely streak in him.
Drunk. Drunk. And more Drunk Drunk.
Tuesday 30 June 2009
Friday 7th May 1993
Drunk! Don't know when I was sober last. I could flip a page to find out but im pretty wasted.
Tuesday 4th May 1993
Doctors Appointment 10.20am.
Put me on a higher dose of Temezepam to sleep, and Diazepam (valium) to calm me down. I admit I exaggerated my story to get a higher dose, but it works, everyones doing it. This is a definate case where 'children' who lie get rewarded with 'sweets'. Doc advised me to see a psychologist, but i'll pass. Im on the hoodwink game to get the decent medicines. And don't think this is easy, living on the fly like this. Its a full time job. The scheming, and scoring, and devising new scenarios for doctor to swallow.
The suits think the 'street wolves', (we rock kids) are fools and stupid, and regarding using chemicals we are, but we're not dolts when it comes to tricking people and being ahead of the game. We have doctors in tangles, and trip up the casual observer. Its the 9 to fivers who are behind in this game. We devils look after our own.
Put me on a higher dose of Temezepam to sleep, and Diazepam (valium) to calm me down. I admit I exaggerated my story to get a higher dose, but it works, everyones doing it. This is a definate case where 'children' who lie get rewarded with 'sweets'. Doc advised me to see a psychologist, but i'll pass. Im on the hoodwink game to get the decent medicines. And don't think this is easy, living on the fly like this. Its a full time job. The scheming, and scoring, and devising new scenarios for doctor to swallow.
The suits think the 'street wolves', (we rock kids) are fools and stupid, and regarding using chemicals we are, but we're not dolts when it comes to tricking people and being ahead of the game. We have doctors in tangles, and trip up the casual observer. Its the 9 to fivers who are behind in this game. We devils look after our own.
Friday 30th April 1993
Ive been drunk for days and days, nights upon stony nights. Im doing the same again today, rolling along my wicked destruction. Please somebody, help me give up drink please!
Wednesday 28th April 1993
Another day of drunken debauchery! Bought 16 cans of beer, started drinking 10am along with lots of valiums!! The initial buzz, as the valium creeps into your brain on a surf of beer froth, is beautiful. I want more. Silent fingers rummaging in your mind, unfolding strips of serenity. Stretching scenes of fairytales behind your eyelids. This is valium to me.
Mists of calm, descending upon on my fevered, intense brow, and silence falls onto my nerve ends and skin like tiny pellets of evening song. Contened camels, roving through the plains of my nightmares and sending chaos to sleep. I love the gentle menace of tranquilisers.
Mists of calm, descending upon on my fevered, intense brow, and silence falls onto my nerve ends and skin like tiny pellets of evening song. Contened camels, roving through the plains of my nightmares and sending chaos to sleep. I love the gentle menace of tranquilisers.
Monday 29 June 2009
Monday 26th April 1993
Got drunk today (like thats news) and phoned Tina. I told her I was in Scotland and asked her out! She said yes! Alcohol is cruel.
Ive never met her, only through letters and phone. Ive no intention of meeting her either. And Scotland? Im so drunk im making up weird stuff. Its a combination of youth, eagerness, enthusiasm, valium and alcohol. A very lethal cocktail.
Ive never met her, only through letters and phone. Ive no intention of meeting her either. And Scotland? Im so drunk im making up weird stuff. Its a combination of youth, eagerness, enthusiasm, valium and alcohol. A very lethal cocktail.
Saturday 24th April 1993
Drunk as f**k. Its never ending. Im drinking like a fool. Fish don't drink this much. I see it as medicine, and this is my trouble.
Wednesday 21st April 1993
Got totally shit faced. Fell asleep on a piece of grass down Ashburnham way, and ended up having my butt thrown in jail! To sleep off the beer. My father had to get me out, well pick me up. What a f**king place!!
Sterile and a green 'fog' hangs there. In a cell. But I wasn't charged with a crime because I don't break the law. It was 'for my own safety' Paul (the cop) told me. And I was rather touched.
Sterile and a green 'fog' hangs there. In a cell. But I wasn't charged with a crime because I don't break the law. It was 'for my own safety' Paul (the cop) told me. And I was rather touched.
Monday 19th April 1993
Oh oh trouble! Ive only got half a bottle of Mad Dog wine left!I'll drink it and take loads of sleeping pills with it.
Saturday 17th April 1993
Had a letter from Tina, I think she's trying to tell me that she fancies me. How could somebody fancy an alcoholic? Got pissed again.
Thursday 15th April 1993
Pretty horrid night! Went to the Portobello (pub), drank Jack Daniel's (ontop of what id been drinking all day), had a petty ruck with old friend Geraint and ended up talking to an ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend!!!!
Stupid boy I am. Im railing at the world, like a crazy loaded pinball, spinning out of control and bumping into childish confrontations. I think I do cool things, but im not in my right senses when im thinking them, im drunk!
Stupid boy I am. Im railing at the world, like a crazy loaded pinball, spinning out of control and bumping into childish confrontations. I think I do cool things, but im not in my right senses when im thinking them, im drunk!
Wednesday 14th April 1993
Stu came down and we tooksome valium washed down with mother natures finest booze!! Blissed :)
Tuesday 13th April 1993
Oh well! Ive done it again! Drank some more booze. I tell you, alchol is like a whirlwind, and once you're in its pretty hard to come out. Perhaps a cliche but no less true. Im like a cowboy, with cans at my side instead of pistols, and looking not for trouble but peace.
Sunday 28 June 2009
Monday 12th April 1993
I have been sober for 4 days. Its been good. Ive been good. Still not eaten much for days, as my insides are still slightly bruised. I must quit, otherwise my life will be f**ked up forever. And im a good guy. Beneath all the booze and pills, im honest, creative, kind, good natured, genorous and caring. Im not a selfish asshole like some sober people are. I like to help, and make people feel good. I look 'eccentric' and maybe have a bad boy rockstar image, but my heart is gentle and kind.
Thursday 8th April 1993
Thought I was going to die today. Ive got alcohol poisoning! This time I think its serious, Ive got to knock it on the head for 3 months. But I think it will be for good. Jeepers I feel rough. Like my insides have rotted. Im being sick ontop of being sick. My sides hurt. Head in a whirlpool of thoughts and crazy moods. I must stop, or i'll be dead. Or mad. Or both.
Wednesday 7th April 1993
This is the last straw! Today I bought a litre of whiskey, drank it all. And f**king smoked!! I remember, pretty f**king vaguely, walking on the streets, blitzed outta my mind, thinking 'hmm I need a fag' and buying 10 in the Co-op. Very little else. I am death walking.
Tuesday 6th April 1993
Got totally out of control. I can't remember the day. Bought 8 cans of Tennent's Super 9% beer and f**k knows what else. Its like I was swallowed by an ogre. People must be noticing, but im way past caring a damn. I cradle my skeleton in a dizzy potent soup.
Friday 2nd April 19993
Doctors Appointment 9am. Got my pill shaped goodies. Parcels of chalky bliss. Finished painting the gym, and went to Tesco to get a 12 pack of beer.
Monday 29th March 19993
Had four cans of lager. Ive found that I am able to have a few drinks and not go over the top. If I take things easy I'll be okay.
Also began work on my new gym today. Doing out the room, stripping paint and shit. Its shaping up nicely, I'll be glad when its ready. Booze and gym? Weird combo but thats me all over.
Also began work on my new gym today. Doing out the room, stripping paint and shit. Its shaping up nicely, I'll be glad when its ready. Booze and gym? Weird combo but thats me all over.
Saturday 27th March 19993
Felt like a drink today, but once I start I can't f**king stop!! Its never just one. And I don't see the point in Ones.
Sunday 21st March 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Ive been sober four days now, ive been reclusive for far longer. My insomnia has gotten worse since going dry. I don't sleep until around 6.20am, it used to be 5am. Ideas on poetry are filling my head as usual. Like a tyre, expanding and rolling. Wrote. Im a writer/poet, nothing else. I walk around in waistcoats and dickie bows, like im in the 18th century.
Ive been sober four days now, ive been reclusive for far longer. My insomnia has gotten worse since going dry. I don't sleep until around 6.20am, it used to be 5am. Ideas on poetry are filling my head as usual. Like a tyre, expanding and rolling. Wrote. Im a writer/poet, nothing else. I walk around in waistcoats and dickie bows, like im in the 18th century.
Wednesday 17th March 1993
My brother, Stu, came down and we got some valium and a bottle of wine in.There goes yesterday. This stuff is pretty hard to quit.
Tuesday 16th March 1993
Drank a bottle of whiskey and cans, and f**king smoked again!! Today IS the last time I smoke because im giving up booze.
Saturday 13th March 1993
Drank 4 Strongbow, 1 Kestrel Super 8.9% and 2 lagers. This is nothing compared to what I used to drink. But then its only the start. Im just warming up.
Friday 12th March 1993
Drank 4 cans of Budweiser and watched Lethal Weapon 3 and Nightbreed. Is this the start again? The rewind button, I always seem to fall on? Drinking 4 cans is a GO sign to me. Im like a sprinter at the blocks, primed to catapult myself into drunkeness.
And why do Americans like Budweiser? They probably don't and we silly Brits think they do because its popular.
And why do Americans like Budweiser? They probably don't and we silly Brits think they do because its popular.
Tuesday 9th March 1993
Zero Alcohol
Had a letter from Tina, who ive been a penpal with since meeting throughn Metal Hammer's penpal section. She also sent a photo, I think im in love!! Shes quite gorgeous, with smoking, devil eyes. She lives quite far though, so I doubt we'll ever hook up. Its something to keep me sober I suppose.
I posted a hurried reply.
Had a letter from Tina, who ive been a penpal with since meeting throughn Metal Hammer's penpal section. She also sent a photo, I think im in love!! Shes quite gorgeous, with smoking, devil eyes. She lives quite far though, so I doubt we'll ever hook up. Its something to keep me sober I suppose.
I posted a hurried reply.
Saturday 6th March 1993
Drank beer and got absolutely mortal drunk. The green eggs (temazepam) didn't help either. Boy mixing sleeping tablets and beer gives a fine feeling. Mogadon is best but im out of those beauties for now. Im writing well tho, even through the fuzz of booze. Every day im hammering at the typewriter like a chicken pecking its grain. Until the grip of a buzz gets me of course. Then I'll dice a bit with ideas, and fall outside, only to find myself wandering around Burry Port, being nice but probaby also annoying. Burry Port has some real good people, but as with everwhere it has its assholes.
Me being the biggest. Hic!!
Me being the biggest. Hic!!
Wednesday 3rd March 1993
F**ked everything up by drinking (and smoking) again!! When im sober, im like a condemned man standing on the gallows trapdoor. Im alive in sobriety, then all of a sudden the trapdoor falls and I plunge headlong into inebreation and oblivion.
But its me pulling the lever of 'death'. And im wearing a smiley face hood.
But its me pulling the lever of 'death'. And im wearing a smiley face hood.
Monday 1st March 1993
No Alcohol.
This time I believe I can stay away from booze and drugs. But lets be honest about drugs, Im not as in love with them as I am with the sauce. Ok I love valium and morphine but the others (amphetamine, cannabis, mushrooms, LSD) I can take or leave. Drugs are a sideshow. And the ones I abuse most often (the pills) are all legally prescribed to me.
Still im sober today, and all is fine.
This time I believe I can stay away from booze and drugs. But lets be honest about drugs, Im not as in love with them as I am with the sauce. Ok I love valium and morphine but the others (amphetamine, cannabis, mushrooms, LSD) I can take or leave. Drugs are a sideshow. And the ones I abuse most often (the pills) are all legally prescribed to me.
Still im sober today, and all is fine.
Sunday 28th Febuary 1993
Zero Alcohol.
Being sober sucks! Still, I haven't touched any alcohol. If the binges are mild, its easy to kick. But when I really fly, its murder to kick into touch. And when I fly Ive usually taken all my pills to get me airborne, so im outta pills to get me through the booze withdrawals.
F**k im only 22 and im speaking of withdrawals!?! How sick is this? Am I sick?
Being sober sucks! Still, I haven't touched any alcohol. If the binges are mild, its easy to kick. But when I really fly, its murder to kick into touch. And when I fly Ive usually taken all my pills to get me airborne, so im outta pills to get me through the booze withdrawals.
F**k im only 22 and im speaking of withdrawals!?! How sick is this? Am I sick?
Saturday 27th Febuary 1993
Zero Alcohol. Ive been sober for a few days now. Poetry is my life, im a really good poet and its not just me who thinks this. I write well. Im none too shabby at boozing and pill popping either. I want to abandon everything but my writings, whatever the hell that means. (Drink I guess).
Wednesday 24th Febuary 1993
Drank all day and night. Last cigarette ever. I detest these f**king things. If they did any good I could see a point, but smoking these vile roots has no benefits whatsoever. Unlike booze. That has amazing qualities, and more of it should be taken. I fancied some more morphine today as well. But not going scoring some, too beautiful to abuse.
Alcohol is enough. And chalks (pills).
I love drinking, then staggering about down the harbour. Actually I carry myself off rather well in public when pissed. A lot cannot actually see that im steaming drunk. Good times.
Alcohol is enough. And chalks (pills).
I love drinking, then staggering about down the harbour. Actually I carry myself off rather well in public when pissed. A lot cannot actually see that im steaming drunk. Good times.
Wednesday 17th Febuary 1993
Today was a blast. Drank of course, but also got hold of some morphine (MST's)which I proceeded to inject. I don't like inject lots of morphine because its simply too good. Anything that gives that kind of super buzz must be treated with large doses of respect. I adore the high morphine gives you, so I must take it sparingly otherwise my addictions would soar.
But make no mistake about it. Morphine IS a beautiful drug. And I enjoyed today greatly. Even the 'art' to injecting is fun. The preperation. Also took large doses of temazepam. You could say I don't like being awake.
Also bloody smoked again!! I hate tobacco.
But make no mistake about it. Morphine IS a beautiful drug. And I enjoyed today greatly. Even the 'art' to injecting is fun. The preperation. Also took large doses of temazepam. You could say I don't like being awake.
Also bloody smoked again!! I hate tobacco.
Tuesday 16th Febuary 1993
Drank alcohol.
F**king smoked too!!!!
Im more upset about smoking. Drinking I can live with. Or die for.
F**king smoked too!!!!
Im more upset about smoking. Drinking I can live with. Or die for.
Monday 15th Febuary 1993
I have been clean and sober for the last 8 days. I can do it if I decide to. I wish I could quit smoking too. Of all the harmful things I do, cigarettes are the most foul. Others seem to enjoy smoking when drinking, but I hate it. Tea with a ciggie is nice, but booze is horrid with a lungful of smoke.
Sunday 7th Febuary 1993
I promised myself that this was the last time I drink or do drugs for a while. Otherwise I'll die. One last tipple of thrills, behind the blanket of dozens of pills. And Sundays are pathetic. Boring.
3rd Febuary 1993
Got the shakes this morning. So I drank. And followed this path of devils into the hunt of sleep. I do continue to be creative and write, as long as drink is near, and im not passed out. Im not a lazy drunk, I don't sit around all day drinking and watching television thats for sure. That lifestyle would drive me crazy. Even more crazy than my current lifestyle.
I must write, poems, plays, essays, anything. And the drink/pills isn't because im 'copying' other writers. I do it because its the only way I get a break from constant ideas.
I must write, poems, plays, essays, anything. And the drink/pills isn't because im 'copying' other writers. I do it because its the only way I get a break from constant ideas.
2nd Febuary 1993
9.15 am Doctors Appointment.
I love going to the doctors. We talk, I lie, say im doing okay. Its only for the pretty script (prescription) that I go there for. Diazepam 10mg, Mogadon 5mg and Temazepam. Tablets of calm for the furies in my head. Im so young, but so old and bitter. And probably toxic.
Strolled along the streets, watching people play normal. They don't think im watching them, but I am. From a cloud, or behind the fog of pills and alcohol.
Got totally drunk all day and night, plus the pills of course.
I love going to the doctors. We talk, I lie, say im doing okay. Its only for the pretty script (prescription) that I go there for. Diazepam 10mg, Mogadon 5mg and Temazepam. Tablets of calm for the furies in my head. Im so young, but so old and bitter. And probably toxic.
Strolled along the streets, watching people play normal. They don't think im watching them, but I am. From a cloud, or behind the fog of pills and alcohol.
Got totally drunk all day and night, plus the pills of course.
Saturday 27 June 2009
Sunday 31st January 1993
Im dicing with death. Got completely drunk again and frightengly suffered a black out. I didn't know where I was, or who I was. Just a drunk and tired shell of a man/boy, wanting to find a grassy knoll to rest upon. Hopefully the swallows, or spiders, can stitch my head back up. Not from wounds but soul fights.
Saturday 30th January 1993
Pissed up again! Consumed a molotov cocktail of drink and drugs. And every chemical twists my fibre into a twisted replica of my true self. Im a good guy, dressed and shackled to a voodoo doll of consumption. No harm to anyone but myself. Im ringing sober bells and getting nothing but drunk replies. Echoes from the un-sober. Im a bee, better looking than a fly, drawn toward intoxicated carrion.
Thursday 28th January 1993
Did not touch alcohol. Very proud. Im taking it one day at a time. It can and shall be done. I notice colours more when clean and sober. There are lullabies not chainsaws in the air. Quite pleasant. A sober day.
Wednesday 27th Jnuary 1993
DRYING OUT TIME!!
BEGAN DETOX.
Drinking pineapple and grapefruit for a while.
BEGAN DETOX.
Drinking pineapple and grapefruit for a while.
Tuesday 26th January 1993
Drank around 18 cans of beer. Stayed clear of smoking tho. Most proud. Inflated my kidneys but deflated the lungs. I know it won't last, im a slave to personal destruction. And believe it or not, most days im having fun.
Monday 25th January 1993
Im trying to quit smoking. I get no pleasure from drinking while smoking, in fact its a wretched combination, and I want to quit smoking. So far so good. None (ciggies) today.
Friday 22nd January 1993
Had pay and bought lots of rum, which I proceeded to wallow in. Rum is not my usual tipple, but hell it works. Its sickly stuff but sure cleans the bones of rust, spiritual rust. Or dust. I can never think straight on rum. Or any booze, but I know it gives me shelter.
Tuesday 19th January 1993
Thank God I keep a diary, id never remember these days otherwise. Unless I counted the scars on my liver.
9.05am Doctors appointment. Collected my wonderful prescription of legal valium, etc then went nextdoor to the Co-op for precious alcohol to wash the pills down with. The fizzy bubbles sent the tablet chalk to hyper drive. I love getting off it.
9.05am Doctors appointment. Collected my wonderful prescription of legal valium, etc then went nextdoor to the Co-op for precious alcohol to wash the pills down with. The fizzy bubbles sent the tablet chalk to hyper drive. I love getting off it.
Sunday 17th January 1993
F**ked everything up by getting drunk and stoned. Been high for the last two days, and now im getting worse. Alcoholic and streetcar junkie? Or legal junkie? Christ who cares what junkie I am? Im high, and an enemy to my health and sanity. Death spies me from every shadowy corner, and yet I welcome his velvet rags.
Thursday 14th January 1993
Worst day! I got drunk at about 11am, fell asleep around 2pm. Woke up at 6pm and didn't know where I was. Im shattered, in more ways than one. I see bleeding on the walls, puddles in the sink. Im bored and wild, and on a mission of inebreation. Drink is my God, the flow is my Satan.
I got tattooed only to feel more pain. But tattoo pain doesn't hurt. Never can hurt an ogre of delight.
I got tattooed only to feel more pain. But tattoo pain doesn't hurt. Never can hurt an ogre of delight.
Tuesday 12th January 1993
Got a tattoo today and pissed. Im lucky in that my tattooist is a close friend, and he'll ink me at his home. I don't remember the tattoo but will in the morning.
Sunday 10 January 1993
Stayed sober for the day, got drunk at night. Im trying to stay sober but its tough. Ive been sober for a few times but its boring. I don't know how I will live, or how i'll eventually die. Im a young man, but I feel, from my wretched guts, as old as stale bread. Its shitty to drink, but worse not to. I think im alcoholic, but im having fun, and isn't that the main thing?
Introduction
I have run the idea of publishing my diaries through my mind so often I almost end up arguing with myself. In the end I decided honesty was the best route and so you find yourself amongst the years of a Welsh poet. Often confused, lonely, attention seeking, death wishing, unstable, wandering but more often than not drunk or high. Often both.
My nineties were a shambolic walk through death and addiction. Of heart ache and lots of soul searching. A lot of people think it cool to taste oblivion. Come, lets us walk in hell and see if the flames of excess are warm enough for you....
Steven Francis June 27th 2009
My nineties were a shambolic walk through death and addiction. Of heart ache and lots of soul searching. A lot of people think it cool to taste oblivion. Come, lets us walk in hell and see if the flames of excess are warm enough for you....
Steven Francis June 27th 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
